Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was walking along the high street with my wife today when she suddenly stopped and said, "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"Of course not." I replied.

"So why the balaclava then?" she asked.

I said, "It's in fashion."

"Really?" she said, "Do you see any other women wearing one?"

[Raistlin]

Never ever order shots on the beach when on holiday in Tunisia.

[Raistlin]

England Lionesses are looking forward to a World Cup quarter final on Saturday.

Their husbands are looking forward to a roast dinner on Sunday

[Raistlin]

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

[Raistlin]

my parents have just got back from Tunisia

i'm furious all they brought me back was a bloody T-shirt

[Raistlin]

Girls, instead of changing your Facebook profile photo into a rainbow in support of gay marriage being legalised in America, a much better way to show your support would be if you just changed your photo to one of you and your best mate getting naked and rubbing oil on each other.

[Raistlin]

Rainbows all over today.

Spare a thought for homophobic leprechauns.

[Raistlin]

I learnt everything I need to know about sex from porn films. For example, one of my maths students asked for some 'extra tuition'.

My court case is next week.

[Raistlin]

What's with all the rainbows on people's profiles?

Has Bungle died or something?

[Raistlin]

It's deadline day for Greece to repay 1.6 billion euros to the IMF.

..That's an awful lot of visits to the ATM.

[Raistlin]

"1000 French fall ill after running Tough Mudder, when it was discovered that the mud was actually animal waste"

Doctors first knew something was up when the patients came in smelling better than usual

[Raistlin]

I was watching Wimbledon on the BBC and, whilst talking about Centre Court's new surface, Andrew Castle talked about the 'minor ploughing' that had been going on.

We've come to expect that from the BBC but bragging about it on live television, that's bold.

[Raistlin]

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

[Raistlin]

Sat here watching the news about the shootings in Tunisia and Isis, thinking;

'Remember the good old days of Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gaddaffi'

[Raistlin]

I said, "My, what big eyes you have!"

Followed by, "My, what big hands you have!"

And then, "My, what big teeth you have!"

My charity gig for Children with Disabilities did not start out well.

[Raistlin]

I wonder if we'll see Cliff Richard at Wimbledon this year.

I would have thought he'd have to make an appearance at a court sooner or later.

[Raistlin]

Tonight at midnight, we get an extra second. Something to do with the Earth's rotation.

So how are you planning on spending your extra second?

I think I might take the time to read the book French Military Victories.

[Raistlin]

Double blow for Val Doonican's familly today.

Not only has he died but there's no way they'll be able to shift those jumpers in this weather!

[Raistlin]

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

[Raistlin]

Laura Bassett wasn't lying when she said in the pre-match interview that one of her goals was to go to Japan.

[Raistlin]

I thought the man who was sat next to me on the tube might have been a terrorist. But then I remembered that terrorists were incredibly organised individuals who plan their attacks down to the finest detail.

"He can't have been, then", I thought. "The stupid sod got off and had forgotten his back pack".

[Raistlin]

Whenever my wife wears her sexy underwear it can only mean one thing.

She's fallen behind with the washing.

[Raistlin]

Today the French, Spanish and Dutch should be celebrating beating the British, or as the Americans call it - Independence day.

[Raistlin]

Oh Kanye... why cover Bohemian Rhapsody at Glastonbury when you can cover Fat Bottomed Girls at home?

[Raistlin]

The Leap Second the other day wasn't caused by the Earth's natural rotation; it was Freddie Mercury's inertia as he span in his grave.