Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If you ever feel useless then remember: it's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs.

[Raistlin]

So the BBC has sacrificed Formula One, the Ashes, the Open Championship and most of its darts coverage, but it was worth it to fund a quadrennial women's football event that nobody bothered watching and England didn't win.

[Raistlin]

Roger Federer is just world class! I haven't seen this many precise backhands since Ulrika Jonsson undercooked Stan Collymore's dinner.

[Raistlin]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.

[Raistlin]

My wife told me she's been a closet lesbian all these years and she wishes she had married another woman.

Coincidence or what?

[Raistlin]

Today we remember the awful day of the 7/7 attacks.

But just so the Scousers don't feel left out, let's also remember Hillsborough again.

[Raistlin]

You've got to hand it to the guy who died from lighting fireworks on top of his head on the eve of the American Independence Day.

What better way to celebrate the true American spirit could there be than by being so incredibly stupid?

[Raistlin]

With Durex Pleasure Gel you can make any occasion special...

Happy birthday Nan

[Raistlin]

Obama admin to cut 40,000 US Army soldiers over the next 2 years.

Islamic State are aiming to match the same figure.

[Raistlin]

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.

[Raistlin]

My wife has been moaning that she needs to lose weight, so I told her to stop eating between meals.

"There's a 'between' meals?" she replied

[Raistlin]

Statistics show that, as the credit crunch has risen, more women have been having sex with their husbands to save money on batteries.

[Raistlin]

Whore -- a woman who shags everyone.

Bitch -- a woman who shags everyone except you.

[Raistlin]

With just 50 metres left and the finishing line in sight, my wife ran out of energy and collapsed.

The crowd tried to cheer her on, but it was no use. As she lay on the track, heartbroken and exhausted, I couldn't help thinking to myself...

Maybe the 100m just isn't her event.

[Raistlin]

So scientists have a new cannabis which has the medical benefits but not the hallucinogenic effects?

That's going to sell like a vibrator that doesn't vibrate.

[Raistlin]

Freddie Starr has lost his High Court defamation claim against Karin Ward, who said he groped her in 1974 when she was just 15.

"It ruined sex for the rest of my life," said Ms Ward, a mother-of-seven from Oswestry, Shropshire.

[Raistlin]

The Australian cricket team ,the only people in the UK preying for rain...

ohh the irony.

[Raistlin]

I like Freudian Slips as much as the next gay.

[Raistlin]

Lewis Hamilton fails Wimbledon dress code and gets kicked out of the Royal Box.

I'm shocked he didn't play the race card.

[Raistlin]

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."

"Great, can you start Monday?"

[Raistlin]

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.

Her clothes don't fit anymore.

[Raistlin]

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is you will never know if they are genuine"

- William Shakespeare

[Raistlin]

Greek unions have called off Wednesdays anti austerity protest strike after they could only find 38 people with a job

[Raistlin]

Campaigners are calling for the medal of freedom, awarded to Bill Cosby at The White House, to be confiscated.

George W Bush says he remembers waking up groggy when Bill visited, but sod all about any medal.

[Raistlin]

Apparently Pluto has an ice mountain.

Mickey is going to be so pissed he didn't think of it first.