Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

1978 vs. 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1978 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up as friends.

2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobile phones with video of the fight are confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBO's are taken out and both are suspended, even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings are conducted. The video is shown on six internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1978 - Jeffrey is sent to the principals office and given six of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him the slipper.

1978 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1978 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohamed fails high school English.

1978 - Mohamed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Mohamed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohamed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1978 - Ants die.

2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1978 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[Raistlin]

Housing complaints

These are extracts from genuine letters, sent by housing tenants complaining to the council.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cocky wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we cant get BBC2.

[Raistlin]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

[Raistlin]

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said.

"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to do 'em!"

[Raistlin]

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the pavement.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

[Raistlin]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little

boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,

I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too

wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair

spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then

he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and

runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and

hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[Raistlin]

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals

concerning their "urges".

The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,

squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,

pull my DONG 48 times."

[Raistlin]

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions.

"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."

A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going.

He says fine his wife is pregnant.

The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?"

"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."

[Raistlin]

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.

I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

[Raistlin]

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the

first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way

through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warnings when you're a kid, you have never met

anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood

specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it

in a fruit salad.

[Raistlin]

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Aren't you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

[Raistlin]

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.

As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again.

This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.

Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.

When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

[Raistlin]

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[Raistlin]

One blonde to another...

Have you ever read Shakespeare?

No. Who wrote it?

[Raistlin]

A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you,your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men,"

she said looking directly into his eyes.

"What's your name?"

"Beersex."

[Raistlin]

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over.

He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath.

He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

[Raistlin]

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their personalities

[Raistlin]

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed ?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth ?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed ?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside ?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer ?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date ?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat ?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing ?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out' ?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is ?

What do you call male ballerinas ?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker' ?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests ?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere,you have to touch it to make sure ?

[Raistlin]

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat ?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

"Fifty pounds for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

[Raistlin]

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating ?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

[Raistlin]

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Raistlin]

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....

She says "I'm breaking up with you."

"Why??" he asks.

She says "because you are a pedophile".

He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old."

[Raistlin]

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

The second guy says, "No."

"A bald eagle just flew over head."

"Oh."

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No."

"There was a black bear walking on that hill over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

The second guy, getting aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!"

The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"