Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

2 wrongs don't make a right, is an old saying.

1, I killed the wife - 2, I buried her.

Now it's peaceful, right ?

[Raistlin]

All being well, my wife might be starring in a new TV series about a crew of nymphomaniac air-hostesses.

She's just done the pilot.

[Raistlin]

Just worked out that it is going to take Greece 5,327,245.05 years to pay back their loans to the EU.

Thereby making Wonga look like rank amateurs.

[Raistlin]

My band "Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.

[Raistlin]

Rolf Harris is studying Japanese culture whilst in prison. He has lessons before breakfast every day.

Samurais. Early in the morning.

[Raistlin]

A lorry on its way to a Glasgow depot has overturned on the M8, spilling its entire cargo of pre-packed salad bags onto the carriageway.

A police spokesman has warned drivers to expect delays of up to four minutes, while he picks them both up.

[Raistlin]

"Trump is running for president? That's insane, the idea that a moronic businessman with a long record of dim-witted statements could become president of the United States" Said George W Bush.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Nasa scientists find that drugs lose effectiveness in space".

I reckon if you find yourself in space, you've had enough already.

[Raistlin]

For my 25th wedding anniversary I decided to do something special. So I took my wife to Monaco and hired a yacht in the marina. We had champagne, and as the sun set I told her to close her eyes, then placed a chain around her neck.

She said, "It feels heavy, it must have cost a fortune."

I said, "No, it came with the yacht," as I tossed the anchor overboard.

[Raistlin]

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are £250.

[Raistlin]

Hi trying to do a low budget wedding here, so if you want to help just give us a ring

[Raistlin]

I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.'

[Raistlin]

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to find couples in supermarkets, and when they're not looking drop a bottle of anal lube in their trolley.

The resulting arguments are priceless.

[Raistlin]

After seeing the home video of herself saluting Adolf Hitler the Queen is said to be Fuhrerious.

[Raistlin]

I found a cat on the street that I thought looked rather beautiful. I checked its collar and I saw a phone number. I couldn't quite believe my luck.

So I thought, "Here's my chance, a beautiful cat has come along and it's offering its phone number to me on a plate. I'd be a fool to turn it down."

The next day I called it and a bloke answered. What a scam!

[Raistlin]

My Girlfriend and I tried Role-playing last week, the roles were that she was a rape victim and I was the Police officer consoling her.

I gave her a business card and told her I would contact her in 4-6 working days.

I still haven't called her.

[Raistlin]

Following the news that all departments of the government are to slash their budgets by 40% it was announced that all Potholes are to be filled with your children's dreams.

[Raistlin]

As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.

"That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a nutcase."

[Raistlin]

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

[Raistlin]

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he said.

"But they look aggressive," I said, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

[Raistlin]

Two men got chatting and one complained he had lost his job and the Benefits office had only awarded him £ 128.00 per week to support his wife and child.

The other man said he gets £980.00 a week from the Benefits office and he was single.

How come you get so much and I don't said the first man.

Because I am the manager there, he replied.

[Raistlin]

Did you know that goldfish are brilliant at breakdancing?

Chuck yours on the floor and see for yourself.

[Raistlin]

Why don't estate agents like coffee?

They prefer Proper tea.

[Raistlin]

The Clutha in Glasgow has re-opened. Local police have politely declined an invitation to drop in for a drink.

[Raistlin]

Ironic a bottle of rohypnol has best before date on it.