Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My daughter said she would like a nice bird tattoo on her shoulder.

"From what I've heard down the pub, a swallow would seem appropriate. " I said to her

[Raistlin]

I'm what's known as "A bit of a ladies man"

But it's not my fault some pub toilet signs aren't clear.

[Raistlin]

Lord Sewel has quit as House of Lords deputy speaker over a video allegedly showing him snorting Charlie off a whores tits through a rolled up five pound note.

A spokesperson for the House of Lords said ... "This disgusting behaviour falls far short of the standards expected of the upper house. He should have used at least a twenty"

[Raistlin]

It's all just sex and drugs on television these days.

Mind you, I only watch the Parliamentary channel.

[Raistlin]

I saw a sexy group of girls in a club so I slowly moved towards them. Eventually one caught my eye and I went in for the kiss.

"Erm...." she hesitated, turning her face to the side.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She said, "Your ring is a bit off-putting."

"Oh I'm not married?" I laughed. "And besides, it's called a hula hoop."

[Raistlin]

There is a thin line between Numerator and Denominator.

I bet only a fraction of you get this.

[Raistlin]

Women serving in the United States military are now being allowed in combat.

This could save many British soldiers lives.

Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

[Raistlin]

I took my son to school for the first time today and was amazed at the amount of mums turning up in 4 x 4's. I thought to myself, they will never use those for off roading.

Then I saw them trying to park.

[Raistlin]

They say a hundred laughs a day is equivalent to 10 minutes of rowing.

Thanks to my wife falling down the stairs, I can now beat Steve Redgrave over 2000 metres.

[Raistlin]

If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions they should kill a lion.

[Raistlin]

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May have signed a deal with Amazon.

Packing parcels is better than no job I guess.

[Raistlin]

I'm getting hounded by the public during my snack breaks.

Maybe I should stop saying 'I could murder a Lion bar'

[Raistlin]

Diego Maradona has taken his ex-wife to court over allegations of her stealing 9 Million Euros of his money.

It's a good job us Brits don't hold grudges, otherwise we'd be saying that the cheating, fat, Argentinian, hand-using, World Cup-ruining wanker deserved it.

[Raistlin]

Apparently the Bin Laden plane hit a Porsche, it's 911 all over again.

[Raistlin]

I guess wallpapering isn't as popular as it used to be. Just at a car boot sale and you wouldn't believe how many people are selling pasting tables.

[Raistlin]

The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from coming to England.

Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.

[Raistlin]

I've finally met a woman that's into bondage.

We're marrying, I can't wait to tie the knot.

[Raistlin]

The piece of wing suspected to be part of the missing Malaysian flight MH370, which was washed up on a beach on the Island of Reunion, has now arrived in France.

It is believed that it is trying to make it's way to Calais in an attempt to cross the Channel to England.

[Raistlin]

The piece of wing suspected to be part of the missing Malaysian flight MH370, which was washed up on a beach on the Island of Reunion, has now arrived in France.

It is believed that it is trying to make it's way to Calais in an attempt to cross the Channel to England.

[Raistlin]

Someone told me an old flame haired singer had died...

Imagine my disappointment to discover Mick Hucknall still alive and well.

[Raistlin]

Mo Farah has definitely been taking drugs.

I've just seen him on telly saying that Quorn is tasty.

[Raistlin]

As I left Liverpool after my annual visit to the in laws, I started to really miss certain things.

Namely my watch, phone and wallet

[Raistlin]

Everybody has their own circle of friends.

Yet the police still want to refer to mine as a 'ring'.

[Raistlin]

After driving down the high street, my wife was trying to fit into a tight space.

People were waiting, getting impatient as she went back and forth, sweat dripping off her forehead.

Eventually though, the shopkeeper opened the other door