Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Dennis Waterman has said that he will be attending the funeral of George Cole as long as he can write the eulogy and sing the eulogy

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between the Australia Cricket team and Cilla Black?

Cilla managed to get to 72

[Raistlin]

Nigel Farage has called for the introduction of an Australian cricket-based immigration system...

All out in less than two hours.

[Raistlin]

Turns out Rolf Harris was the only Australian who was not out before lunch.

[Raistlin]

Our dog trainer said a finger in the anus calms him down when he's angry.

Or I could just pay the £50 I owed him.

[Raistlin]

I went to buy a second hand car that was advertised by a private seller in the paper today.

I said, "What is it like on diesel, mate?"

"It skids everywhere," he replied.

[Raistlin]

Daily Express: Immigrant runs 30 miles through channel tunnel.

He has since been given full British citizenship and will represent the UK at next year's Olympic Games.

[Raistlin]

A fit blonde walked up to me in the street yesterday and slipped a piece of paper in my hand with an address on it and the instruction to be there at 8pm tomorrow.

"Oh yes" I thought earlier today as I splashed on my Brute aftershave, "I'm getting laid tonight"

I waited outside for 15 minutes and she hadn't turned up., so I popped in and it was a Weight Watchers meeting.

Poor girl must have been so hungry, she wrote down the wrong address.

[Raistlin]

It turns out that Jenson Button didn't really get burgled.

He just booked with Thomas Cook.

[Raistlin]

When EE said I'll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn't realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.

[Raistlin]

Don't employ an Australian undertaker for your nans cremation.

He will probably lose the ashes

[Raistlin]

Fell asleep watching the BBC News channel last night, woke up and they were talking about "Little Boy" and "Fat Man".

Took me a while to realise they were on about the nuclear bombing of Japan and not the Ted Heath enquiry.

[Raistlin]

Nigel Farage has called for the introduction of an Australian cricket-based immigration system...

All out in less than two hours.

[Raistlin]

Yvette Cooper says Jeremy Corbyn is set to take us all back to the 1970's.

If that means getting rid of the X factor and bringing back Top of the Pops , count me in.

[Raistlin]

Getting changed in the boys changing rooms was always an awkward thing to do at school.

Especially when you've forgot to wear your underpants...

I guess it comes with the job as a P.E teacher.

[Raistlin]

Getting changed in the boys changing rooms was always an awkward thing to do at school.

Especially when you've forgot to wear your underpants...

I guess it comes with the job as a P.E teacher.

[Raistlin]

Farmers take a cow into a supermarket, protesting about milk prices.

I take a cow to the supermarket who moans about chocolate prices.

[Raistlin]

My ex girlfriend rang me up to say that she was HIV positive.

The trick is to always act surprised.

[Raistlin]

When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

[Raistlin]

Chelsea club doctor Eva Carneiro will no longer be the match day physio after she pissed Jose Mourinho off during the game against Swansea.

Medical experts predict a massive decrease in Chelsea players needing treatment for groin injuries until she's reinstated.

[Raistlin]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[Raistlin]

My wife came back from the doctor's really upset today.

"He told me we can't have any sex for two weeks," she sobbed.

"How come?" I said, looking really concerned.

"Because he's going on holiday tonight," she replied.

[Raistlin]

In order to lose weight my girlfriend has bought the Charlotte Crosby fitness DVD.

So far she has lost her dignity and my respect.

[Raistlin]

What do we want?

Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

[Raistlin]

A serious incident occurred in Manchester City Centre today.

The Police immediately responded to the incident by sending out three tweets and a Facebook post.