Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was stood ironing when I said to my wife "I feel like a woman!"

She looked at me and said "What? Just because you're doing some ironing"

I replied "No, because I crashed the car twice today trying to parallel park"

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day.

She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle.

I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

[Raistlin]

We have just been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has lost a stone this week!

She put on 3 pounds so I took my engagement ring back.

[Raistlin]

I just wrapped my hamster snugly up in some nice duct tape.

To er.. keep her warm.

[Raistlin]

Tom Jones, one of the most respected singers in the world, has been axed from the voice to be replaced by Boy George, a convicted criminal and a homosexual drug addict.

A spokesman for the BBC said, "Tom just didn't fit in."

[Raistlin]

If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put it down.

[Raistlin]

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps

[Raistlin]

75 year old Tom Jones has been sacked from The Voice and replaced with Boy George.

A BBC executive said, "I don't know anything about this Boy George... but I like the sound of him!"

[Raistlin]

Wow, I guess someone really wasn't happy that their 'date' turned out to be a ladyboy.

[Raistlin]

I've currently got my head stuck in a vase, after I tried to pick out a Smartie from the bottom using just my teeth.

I've told my son to ring the fire brigade, but apparently, he doesn't know the number.

I don't know where that dumb kid gets his brains from, sometimes.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job interview today.

I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?"

I said, "I'll blame someone else."

Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job interview today.

I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?"

I said, "I'll blame someone else."

Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

[Raistlin]

According to the news, Everton player Darren Gibson has been accused by a cyclist of a hit and run incident.

Having seen him play for the last two years, I think he would struggle to achieve both of these, nevermind together.

[Raistlin]

Subway have announced that there is not a current relationship with Jared Fogle.

It is thought the company no longer has a roll for him

[Raistlin]

I went to an imaginary restaurant the other day

CGI Friday's

[Raistlin]

Just brought the missus a new Volvo with an automatic braking system.

Waste of money. It won't let her off the drive.

[Raistlin]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said

She slowly started unbuttoning my flies.

[Raistlin]

Went round to my uncle Franks house and found an alien mask, some Vaseline and a long metal tube in a drawer.

Suddenly that childhood memory of an alien abduction that I thought was a dream just got a whole lot scarier.

[Raistlin]

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house.

Decepticons I told her.

She laughed, I laughed, the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too

[Raistlin]

I witnessed a fire engine plough into a police car today.

I was going to call an ambulance, but that might've been asking for trouble.

[Raistlin]

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour's herb garden.

I had the thyme of my life.

[Raistlin]

The chief of Thai police, Somchai Mourinho has heavily criticised the medics for reacting too quickly to the bomb victims in Bangkok.

Feeling that they should have waited until those who lost limbs, made it clear, they needed attention.

[Raistlin]

After the leak of the hacked Ashley Madison adult dating website data I have discovered a long lost identical twin brother I didn't know I had.

He even has the same name as me