Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I went to the police station and said, "I'd like to report a rape."

Thirty seconds later, they'd sat me in a private room with a counsellor and a cup of tea.

"Wow!" I thought to myself. "They don't half treat you well when you hand yourself in."

[Raistlin]

Women can fly air-planes in Saudi Arabia, but can't drive cars.

Because driving a car into the side of a skyscraper wouldn't have the same effect.

[Raistlin]

A cure for insomnia is on the way, reveals a spokesperson.

But it's not going to happen overnight

[Raistlin]

I got talking to a woman at the bus stop yesterday and she mentioned her seven-year-old daughter had been asking awkward sex questions.

"Tell me about it," I said.

"Oh, are you in the same boat?" she asked.

"No," I said, "I just really fancy a wank."

[Raistlin]

What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole!

[Raistlin]

I cried my eyes out when I read the news that One Direction will be disbanding in March.

Still seven more months of them...

[Raistlin]

The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend once said that I was completely useless.

That's not true, I can be used as an example of poor judgement, wasted potential or what not to do.

[Raistlin]

Starting from next month, there is a new rule for people taking their driving test in Shoreham:

When you come to a 'T' junction, you now have to look left, look right then look up!

[Raistlin]

I wanted to request installing a suggestion box at work, but I had no way of doing it.

[Raistlin]

First, I got a tattoo on my cervical that said "5"

Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"

Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"

After that, I got one on my sacrum that said "2"

And now, I'm getting one on my coccyx that says "1"

It's the spinal countdown.

[Raistlin]

I said to my son, "Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices if you want nice things like cars, holidays or the latest Playstation."

"But, dad..." he replied.

I said, "Look, there's no buts about it. We're selling your kidney whether you like it or not."

[Raistlin]

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive

Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I asked him, 'Do you

Think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,

Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,....

'Then, why do you even give a shit"

[Raistlin]

Celtic fans are cancelling BT Sports quicker than the Catholic priests wiped their hard drives

[Raistlin]

'Spiritualist Medium' Derek Acorah says he's sad that his colleague, Colin Fry, has died.

Why? Surely you can chat with him all the time now

[Raistlin]

These days it seems that the only thing my wife and I have in common it that we're spending an increasing amount of time with her sister

[Raistlin]

Congratulations to Celtic FC.

The only club to be knocked out of the Champions league three times in two seasons

[Raistlin]

Alice In Wonderland is the perfect example of optimism.

Where else can a young girl follow a stranger deep underground, drink a magical liquid and have an adventure that doesn't end with being dumped in a river in a sack full of bricks?

[Raistlin]

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving of benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Corbin is on record as supporting female only train carriages to protect women from dangerous men on trains.

Using that same logic, I look forward to the day he declares his support for male only motorways.

[Raistlin]

To be fair to Bryce Williams, it was the cameraman who started shooting first.

[Raistlin]

Facebook is slowly changing the world. Before, a picture was worth a thousand words.

Now, a thousand pictures are worth one word...

[Raistlin]

The wife and I had another massive argument over how fat she's become and now she's locked herself in the kitchen, eating everything in the fridge.

Probably for the best.

She'll reach the salad eventually.

[Raistlin]

You know she needs to lose weight when your bathing towels dry faster then her undies on the washing line.

[Raistlin]

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."