Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"What do we want?"

"An end to ridiculous demands!"

"When do we want it?"

"Last week!"

[Raistlin]

If had a pound for everytime I complimented my wife...

I would probably start complimenting my wife.

[Raistlin]

70 immigrants found dead in the back of a refridgerated lorry

A tescos spokesman said their Hungarian burgers are expected to be cheaper than their horse ones

[Raistlin]

"I've just had to walk out of the 99p shop" I said to my friend

"Why? he asked

"Because I couldn't afford to use a trolley" I replied

[Raistlin]

Fruit flies.

Is there anything nowadays that isn't gay?

[Raistlin]

I'm watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on C4.

It's not the same version I watched on Pornhub.

[Raistlin]

Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read:

"How can I get rid of this morning sickness?"

Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

[Raistlin]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[Raistlin]

Incredibly, my wife being so fat that she had to buy two seats wasn't the most embarrassing thing about our flight...

She didn't even notice the armrest in the middle.

[Raistlin]

My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"

I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."

[Raistlin]

I was in a pub quiz last night and one of the questions was: What have Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue and Julia Roberts got in common?

Apparently, women who I've masturbated to was not the answer.

[Raistlin]

Those abs on Jessica Ennis-Hill are incredible.

I bet the baby shot out of her like a particle from the Large Hadron Collider.

[Raistlin]

Apparently David De Gea's transfer from Manchester United was cast into doubt because United sent files in the wrong document format.

Madrid officials reported to be feverishly trying to work out how to open a .fcku attachment...

[Raistlin]

Tonight's OCD meeting is on, off, on, off, on.

[Raistlin]

A 'Top Gear' special is to feature the fastest vehicle ever seen on Britain's roads.

A Hawker Hunter Jet

[Raistlin]

Stalkers Anonymous - Follow us on Facebook.

[Raistlin]

I've just been knocked over on a pedestrian crossing.

The guy apologised then helped me flip my Smart Car.

[Raistlin]

There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

[Raistlin]

My wife had been seriously ill in hospital for twelve months and our teenage daughter was in absolute hysterics when she died.

Hardly surprising, I'd had a year to work on the jokes.

[Raistlin]

Bake-Off's Sue Perkins has revealed she has had a worrying, nasty little inoperable growth that has dogged her for several years and cost her TV work.

Bit harsh on Mel.

[Raistlin]

I do feel sympathy for those migrants who do succeed in getting into the UK from Calais.

Only to then realise their efforts were in vain when they clock the price of a pint and a pack of 20 Benson and Hedges over here.

Oh the humanity.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job interview the other day. One of the questions I was asked was "what is your motto?"

"Whatever you do, never quit" I replied.

Today I received a letter. "Dear Sir, unfortunately your application for the position of manager of the Stop Smoking campaign was unsuccessful."

[Raistlin]

The EU has said more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.

Swimming lessons might be a start.

[Raistlin]

Scientists have calculated that by the year 2020 you will never be more than 6 feet away from someone who is on loan from Chelsea.

[Raistlin]

'Celebrity Big Brother'

For when your career is more washed up than a Syrian refugee.