Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

[Raistlin]

Master plan.

1. Welcome all the Syrian refugees into Europe.

2, Give them all a job in the armed forces.

3. Once trained, send them on a mission to fight extremists,

In Syria.

[Raistlin]

"Whatever you do," I advised my mate, "do NOT ask your wife for anal sex."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because she slapped my face when I did."

[Raistlin]

My husband's stuck in Paddington at the moment.

Apparently marmalade isn't a very good lubricant.

[Raistlin]

Molestation.

It's a touchy subject.

[Raistlin]

I have worked out that I walk 900 mile every year.

I also calculated that I drink 22 gallons of beer per year.

On that basis, I'm doing 41 miles to the gallon.

[Raistlin]

Err, the new iPhone looks the same.

How will people know I am better than them?

[Raistlin]

If I'm with a group of blokes and a pretty woman chooses me out of all of us, there's usually only one explanation for it:

I'm in a Police line-up.

[Raistlin]

David Cameron said the UK will take refugees from inside Syria.

He is expected to charter Malaysia Airlines to bring them here.

[Raistlin]

I've donated some clothes to the Syrian refugees.

I knew that Borat swimsuit would come in useful one day.

[Raistlin]

It's Palindrome race day, and I think I know which car will win

A Toyota

Although it could well be another rcecar

[Raistlin]

I was watching the interview with the uncle of the British Jihaddi killed in Syria.

My god did he just drone on.

[Raistlin]

My Girlfriend left me because of my obsession with abseiling.

She said "It's me, or abseiling"

I had to let her down gently..

[Raistlin]

Now that "butt dial," "bruh" and "beer o'clock" have been added to the dictionary,

Who cares what condition we leave the planet in for the next generation?

[Raistlin]

Muslims think theirs is the true religion.

Then why are they flocking to Christian countries for sanctuary.

[Raistlin]

"I've been a very bad girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."

"Very well", he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

[Raistlin]

Wayne Rooney is absolutely delighted to be able to count to 50.

[Raistlin]

I just invented a scented candle that smells of pussy.

Well, I say "invented"; I found it in my wife's underwear drawer.

[Raistlin]

Break-in Britain - The Crackdown has a scouser as a presenter.

Oh the irony............

[Raistlin]

I came home to find that a snake had bitten my brother on the knob.

Thank god my wife was there to suck out the venom.

[Raistlin]

Just been to that bemusement park, Dismaland.

Or, as it's more colloquially known, Hounslow.

[Raistlin]

After taking a photo of my dad with the fish he just caught, he told me to throw it in the river.

Totally ruined his camera.

[Raistlin]

A bartender who came last in a cocktail competition has been involved in a serious accident.

He's ok ... just been badly shaken.

[Raistlin]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

[Raistlin]

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation.

Still got kicked out of my Weight Watchers meeting though.