Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

According to Sky News former 'X Factor' judge Tulisa Contostavlos has reportedly been arrested on suspicion of drink driving after crashing a Ferrari.

The breathalyser machine is said to be very disappointed with her blowing technique.

[Raistlin]

My bird wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday...

So I got her sister pregnant and we are on next Tuesday

[Raistlin]

Tam Lipton, the driver at the centre of the Glasgow bin lorry disaster is now rumoured to be working as a crane operator in Saudi Arabia to avoid public glare

[Raistlin]

So, Arsenal and Everton fans held up "Refugees welcome here" signs at their games today.

Manchester United fans don't get the big deal, they've had 75,000 foreigners going to games for years.

[Raistlin]

On October 1st more smoking laws come into effect, and you can't smoke in a saloon car with anyone under 18 in it, even if the sunroof, windows and doors are opened.

I predict a huge rise in the number of tearful kids found abandoned by the roadside.

[Raistlin]

My wife was sitting in the porch when I got home.

"I forgot my front door key this morning." She explained.

"Why didn't you use the spare key hidden in the greenhouse?" I asked.

"Do I look stupid?" She replied. "That only fits the back door, you idiot."

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Corbyns plans for a 50/50 male-female split in his new cabinet is thrown into chaos when he realises Hilary Benn isn't in fact a woman but a man with a womans name.

[Raistlin]

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican?

The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

[Raistlin]

In the news: RAF strikes since 2014 'have taken out around 330 ISIS fighters'

I don't know what surprised me more.

The fact that the RAF have been targetting them

Or the fact that ISIS have an Air Force

[Raistlin]

After fracturing his leg in two places, Luke Shaw is expected to miss the knockout stages of Euro 16.

...along with the rest of the England squad.

[Raistlin]

my wife and i have finally found we have something in common.

we both wish she was married to george clooney.

[Raistlin]

A pilot friend of mine loves quoting the old saying "A good landing is one you can walk away from".

Presumably, then, an excellent landing is one after which you can re-use the aircraft?

[Raistlin]

I asked a girl I was chatting to on the internet if she fancied meeting up.

She said, "I'm not sure.... What if you're some weirdo? I've never even seen you!"

"Wierdo? Don't be daft!" I replied. "Shall we meet by the Burger King in town at, say, seven?"

"Oh... Go on then!" she said. "I'll be wearing denim jeans and a yellow top so you can spot me."

"Fantastic!" I replied. "I'll be in a leather gimp suit and pink high heels."

[Raistlin]

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week.

And, in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces.

[Raistlin]

According to reports, ISIS are on the brink of defeat in Syria.

That's because most of them are now in Germany

[Raistlin]

In order to watch England v Fiji in the rugby world cup, there's one small village where all will gather round a 14" black and white TV in the communal hall, hoping the satellite signal doesn't fail and that they've enough diesel for the generator.

It's wonderful to know there's unbreakable underdog spirit and support from the island of Sheppey.

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Corbyn is on record as supporting female-only train carriages to protect women from dangerous men on trains.

Using that same logic, I look forward to the day he declares his support for male-only motorways.

[Raistlin]

I've just bought an electric car from a driving instructor.

It's got joule controls.

[Raistlin]

Jesus gets credit for feeding five thousand people with a few fishes and loaves of bread.

But Walkers Crisps manage to spread one potato across five thousand packets.

[Raistlin]

Raunchy novelist, Jackie Collins, has died.

Out of respect, her family want her coffin to be gently eased into moist soil, and then taken out and rammed in again.

[Raistlin]

I was in town yesterday when I received a phone call from the police, informing me my wife had been killed in an accident.

Telling our children was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

It's not easy, writing a text while skipping

[Raistlin]

Samantha Cameron has said she is deeply concerned now, her husband has been calling her babe for years.

[Raistlin]

David Cameron would have got away with it if the pig hadn't squealed.

[Raistlin]

After asking David Cameron for his autograph, he asked me if I had a pen he could borrow.

Blimey he's really into it isn't he?