Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Me and my wife of over 10 years have a Love life that's just like 50 shades,

.....fictional .

[Raistlin]

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Corbyn has given his first statement following revelations that he had sex with Dianne Abbott.

He told reporters - 'Look, I was young, half pissed and couldn't find a pig...'

[Raistlin]

A man walks up to a lass in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond."

She says "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"

"No," he replies "it's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack."

[Raistlin]

Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.

[Raistlin]

My mistress has ended our affair, stating that she's had enough of me misquoting lyrics of songs by her beloved Soul II Soul...

So I guess it's, Back to wife, back to reality.

[Raistlin]

I was trying to explain my theory of perpetual motion to a group of scientists but they just laughed at the idea.

My wife going to the fridge and back doesn't count.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a dung beetle and a Volkswagen Beetle?

The dung beetle has less harmful emissions.

[Raistlin]

My wife says that no man could truly understand the meaning of nausea without experiencing morning sickness.

I reminded her that I was the one who had to get her pregnant in the first place.

[Raistlin]

Over 700 dead in Mecca...

Obviously someone wasn't happy about losing at bingo

[Raistlin]

New movie coming out about the Volkswagen exhaust gas scandal.

Starring Tom Cruise.

Emission Impassable.

[Raistlin]

After the Volkswagen fiasco, motoring organisations all over the world are demanding an investigation into software installed in BMW to prevent the indicators working.

[Raistlin]

A woman claimed that a Primark security guard tried to take her baby during breastfeeding hour.

She's just trying to milk it!

[Raistlin]

Have you been mis-sold TDi?

[Raistlin]

Where there's smoke.....

......... there's a VW Polo nearby.

[Raistlin]

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...

She'll be back when she's hungry

[Raistlin]

My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting.

As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.

[Raistlin]

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful.

You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.

[Raistlin]

Syrian leader allowed to go on killing his own people, so long as he says he'll help the fight against ISIS?

That's Assad price.

[Raistlin]

Irony is the NHS drug helpline saying ,

"for help With cannabis, press 2 followed by hash "

[Raistlin]

I discovered life on Mars when I was a teenager...

That's what happens when you leave half a chocolate bar under your bed for three months.

[Raistlin]

Flowing water has been found on Mars.

They could tell it was flowing because 5 Syrians were spotted on a dinghy.

[Raistlin]

"Talk dirty to me," she begged.

"Alright," he said, leaning closer, "Volkswagen diesel . ."

[Raistlin]

If you can make just one person feel better today.

The Samaritans probably isn't the job for you.

[Raistlin]

Having watched Benefits Street, it's not much different to Sesame Street...

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin and people trying to learn the alphabet.