Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Following Zuckerberg's donation of the Internet and Facebook to migrants, the International Red Cross are making a desperate appeal for Selfie Poles.

[Raistlin]

My wife is like a luxury German car. She emits gases then denies it

[Raistlin]

Shark experts from around the world are meeting in Sydney to discuss ways to prevent casualties, after a rise in the number of attacks in recent months.

I'm no expert, but I'd suggest not swimming where sharks live.

[Raistlin]

Smoking in cars while children are present is now banned.

An exception had been made for drivers of VWs and Audis because Police will be unable to determine the source of the fumes.

[Raistlin]

Smoking in cars while children are present is now banned.

An exception had been made for drivers of VWs and Audis because Police will be unable to determine the source of the fumes.

[Raistlin]

Tamal Ray, the Asian doctor on The Great British Bake Off, has revealed that he is gay.

I was gob-smacked.

Who on earth would have guessed that a gay man would be interested in baking?

[Raistlin]

I'm disappointed with the new haribo Star Wars selection.

They're all chewy.

[Raistlin]

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...

[Raistlin]

My son suggested I download "whatsapp"

Why would I want to see an old Budweiser commercial.

[Raistlin]

Procrastinators unite!... tomorrow.

[Raistlin]

Ireland versus Romania set a new record for a Rugby World Cup crowd.

It also set a new world record for the largest gathering of caravans in a car park

[Raistlin]

HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?

WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.

HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?

WIFE: Absolutely honey.

HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?

WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....

[Raistlin]

Postcards! Now that's something to write home about.

[Raistlin]

Thursday was World Vegetarian Day.

They were planning a parade, but no one had any energy.

[Raistlin]

I was told today that my 18 year old sister was actually adopted.

I've never gone through a box of tissues so quickly.

[Raistlin]

Who said I can't get in touch with my feminine side?

I can easily pretend I can't park so well and that maps are a mystery to me....

[Raistlin]

When asked about the reasons why he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said, "Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there"

[Raistlin]

Roger Daltrey from the Who has installed wind turbines at home.

Now he just keeps talkin' bout his generation.

[Raistlin]

Brendan Rodgers has left Liverpool.

Not surprising really, the average Liverpool thief has had his hands on more silverware than he has.

[Raistlin]

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement - I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

[Raistlin]

Being a new maths teacher at school is a hard job especially when you don't have a car.

Today I ended up getting lost by taking the rhombus.

[Raistlin]

Supermarkets to charge 5p for plastic bags.

Waitrose to charge 12p for free range, organic 'sac plastique'.

[Raistlin]

"Honorary Scouser" Brendan Rodgers today spoke out on losing his job as Liverpool manager by blaming his sacking on South Yorkshire Police.

[Raistlin]

My wife and I haven't had sex for a long time. She's put on a bit of weight and is a bit self -conscious.

She had a few drinks and said to me 'how about it'.

'Wow' I said. Away we went. I grunted grinded and gave it my all. My head was spinning. I was hot and sticky.

Finally, I was on top of her.

[Raistlin]

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password.

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said.

"Okay," I replied. "Is that all lower case without spaces?"