Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[Raistlin]

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

[Raistlin]

An accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's d*ck."

[Raistlin]

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.

When he replied, the desk clerk asked "Can i help you sir?"

Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."

"What is your current name?" asked the clerk.

"Martin Bumhole" replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?"

"Tim."

[Raistlin]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.

She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine.

"Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[Raistlin]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.

Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.

'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch

when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ..

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

_____________________________________________________________________

[Raistlin]

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

"Oh, no, it's my husband!"

The man says, "Where's your back door?"

"We don't have a back door" says the woman.

The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

[Raistlin]

Why are blonde jokes so short ?

So men can remember them

[Raistlin]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock.

The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?'

No says the Mermaid.

He kisses her and she likes it.

After a while the Scotsman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'.

She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight.

After another while the Irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been screwed ?.

she says no.

'Well you are screwed now because the tides gone out.

[Raistlin]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[Raistlin]

A local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.

A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.

The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.

He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

[Raistlin]

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex ?

Because he's plugged into a woman

[Raistlin]

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.

Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"

She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[Raistlin]

Two mates were seeing the same girl at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up.

Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the child.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the girl, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other chap got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.

"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.

"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.

"And the bad news?"

"Mine died"

[Raistlin]

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.

Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[Raistlin]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of

left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to

visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the

ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging

around under an Apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you

wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd

love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should

do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It

would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the

animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it

be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh

please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who

had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that

if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort

of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam

were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And

what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[Raistlin]

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come

home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "

OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and

touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like

semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers,

smells it, and says "It smells like semen."

The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers

and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says,

"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

[Raistlin]

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside ?

A cockroach.

[Raistlin]

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonight."

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".

The wife says "That's close enough!"

[Raistlin]

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I just don't get it." said one.

"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

[Raistlin]

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For £300.00, I'll do anything you want."

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

[Raistlin]

What's green and has wheels ?

A Frog

I lied about the wheels

[Raistlin]

Why are blondes so easy to get in bed ?

Who cares...........

[mollycorolla]

sorry to intrude raistlin, . . .