Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After the tragic loss of a Russian aircraft over the Sinai desert, aviation experts have hinted at a catastrophic engine failure.

Vauxhall have again declined to comment.

[Raistlin]

A 74 year old woman has visited 972 Weatherspoons throughout the UK.

When asked when she was going to stop she replied,

"When I find a good one."

[Raistlin]

The alarm went off at 6am

The wife said "Turn it off!" and went back to sleep

I got up quietly, went to work and then rang the fire brigade

[Raistlin]

A woman at a party said to me, "I can read people's minds."

Then there were a few seconds of silence before she said, "Yes I fricking can."

[Raistlin]

MP James Cleverly Admits to Smoking Marijuana and Watching Pornography During BBC Interview.

Normally I would have no problem with this, but during an interview?

[Raistlin]

Fireworks night...

Celebrating hatred of the British government since 1605.

[Raistlin]

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub." I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."

[Raistlin]

I called my local dentist and said to the receptionist, "Hi there.I haven't been to a dentist in fifteen years and think it's time to pay a visit..My bloody tooth is killing me."

"Which one?" she said.

"My last one." I replied.

[Raistlin]

I had a car crash in Liverpool city centre earlier, after a few choice words the driver of the other car took my details...

And my wallet and my trainers.

[Raistlin]

This morning I was watching a young lady having a hard time backing up her car, so I offered to help.

"Sod off!" she yelled. "I can do it myself."

"Please, I insist," I said, "This is my house and my bloody living room."

[Raistlin]

With flights back from Sharm el-Sheik suspended, holidaymakers are having to consider an alternative method of getting to Britain...

A dinghy across the Mediterranean followed by the long walk home.

[Raistlin]

Getting more depressed by the hour about my Sharm El Sheik flight cancellation.

The stench, the flies, the beggars.

And we haven't even left Manchester yet!

[Raistlin]

I've just been fired from my retail job

I don't know what I'm more upset about, the fact I've been given the sack or the fact they charged me 5p for it

[Raistlin]

I like to experience the anti-climax of a back garden firework display by setting fire to my wallet and throwing it over a shed.

[Raistlin]

Single door to buffet, double doors to salad bar.

Obesity solved

[Raistlin]

I was just setting up my new DJ decks when my wife walked in, "What do you think you're doing?" she asked.

"Setting up my new decks," I replied.

"Not in here you're not," She raged, "this is the kids bedroom."

"Can I put them in the shed then?" I asked.

"Of course you can, you daft sod." She replied. "You don't have to ask."

"Great!" I replied shouting down the stairs, "kids you're sleeping in the shed from now on."

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/random/i-was-just-setting-up-my-new-dj-decks-when-1662934#ixzz3qlO6HGOX

[Raistlin]

My friends say I'm too condescending.

Condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

[Raistlin]

"Knowing my luck, you're a professional killer," said the cute blonde, as we headed to my place.

"I actually make my money by being an accountant," I smiled.

I've never made a penny from my hobby.

[Raistlin]

Women think men don't look for inner beauty.

We do.

That's why we've got a penis.

[Raistlin]

I went out for Halloween dressed as a chicken, and ended up going home with a girl who was dressed as an egg.

I found out the answer to an age old question.

It was the chicken.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between snow and Jose Mourinho?

Snow will be here in December.

[Raistlin]

Went to fight club last night.

Turned up a bit late so didn't hear all the rules but great fun.

Would recommend to anyone

[Raistlin]

When my wife asked me what type of bird I'd like to eat for Christmas lunch.

Taylor Swift wasn't one of the options

[Raistlin]

It's that time of the year when the BBC help children in need.

Or as it's known amongst it's presenters, raising hush money

[Raistlin]

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic.

A Leotard can't change its spots.