Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

It seems that Katie Price is still relentlessly trying to promote her "life story" on British Television.

I'll save you the viewing or listening and all the reading of it, just watch me throw a sausage repeatedly in a wheelie bin.

[Raistlin]

An increasingly warped sense of humour could be an early warning sign of impending dementia, say UK experts.

Well we're all stuffed

[Raistlin]

Definition of irony:

When you`re buying condoms and the checkout girl puts them in a 'Bag for Life' ?

[Raistlin]

You have to hand it to John Lewis.

This year they managed to deliver a present to someone on the Moon.

Last year they couldn't deliver my mum's present to Wolverhampton.

[Raistlin]

I can sum myself up in three words.

Kind, funny, smart and good with numbers

[Raistlin]

Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.

Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.

[Raistlin]

I used to force my wife to iron my mobile phones and she complained to the police.

They've now asked her if she wants to press chargers

[Raistlin]

Manoeuvre: A movement or series of moves requiring skill and care.

Womanoeuvre: Ramming your car into other objects and vehicles until it fits into the parking space.

[Raistlin]

John Lewis's 2015 Christmas advert -

A touching representation of how people, regardless of the distance, connect during this special time of year...

Or

A disturbing look into the mind of a young girl with severe schizophrenia

[Raistlin]

After being flown to China, and spending a week sewing tracksuits and trainers for 18 hours a day, my teacher asked me what I had learned from my work experience.

I said, "The correct spelling of the word 'sweetshop'."

[Raistlin]

"I'm afraid, Paddy," said the doctor sympathetically. "Your wife's operation didn't go as well as expected. Best thing for you to do is pray for a miracle."

"And do you think that will help, doc?" said Paddy.

"I've seen it many times before," replied the doctor. "Faith can move mountains."

So Paddy walked slowly to the hospital chapel. As he entered he got down on his knees, put his hands together and prayed for a miracle,

"Lord, enable me to see Lily Allen's tits without the aid of a magnifying glass."

[Raistlin]

Me and the wife planned on doing some naughty school girl and headmaster role play on Saturday.

Things got a little awkward when we both turned up in the same costume.

[Raistlin]

There was a guy in the coffee shop this morning, not on his phone, not on a laptop, just sitting there drinking coffee, like a psychopath.

[Raistlin]

I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight,

"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it, " he replied.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said, "It would be so romantic if you sent me a love letter tied to a pigeon's leg."

In an effort to please her, I've done exactly as she asked.

Although, I did have to kill it to make it stay in the envelope

[Raistlin]

I've decided not to get up until after 10.

If I do, that bloke will hit me again.

[Raistlin]

Does eating a croissant for breakfast count towards supporting the French?

[Raistlin]

Mother of Paris suicide bomber says her son did not mean to kill anyone.

My Mother is the same.

An idiot.

[Raistlin]

When it was suggested that Dignitas was probably my best option, I suddenly thought, "This isn't how I imagined the call to the Samaritans would go."

[Raistlin]

"I'm thinking of running a marathon again," I told my friend.

"You've run a marathon before?" she asked, with an air of admiration.

I said, "No, but I've thought about it."

[Raistlin]

Did you know that 1 out of every 2 and a half man is hiv positive

[Raistlin]

Following the terror attacks in France, Liverpool supporters groups have reacted by urging the public to remember the casualties of the Hillsborough disaster and to appreciate the pain still felt in the city.

[Raistlin]

I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.

It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

[Raistlin]

You have reached the incontinency help line.

Thank you for holding.

[Raistlin]

Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves...