Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My laptop broke and I tried to make real friends using Facebook rules.

In the street, I tell others what I've eaten, how I'm feeling, what I did last night; I give them pictures of me, listen to their conversations, tell them I like them, and give them my views whether they interest them or not.

It works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and psychiatrist.

[Raistlin]

I wouldn't say my ex-wife was thick, but she actually thought Les Dennis was a French fire engine...

[Raistlin]

In 1906 'Typhoid Mary' infected 51 people in America with typhoid fever.

Experts say that 'HIV Charlie' could be even more devastating.

[Raistlin]

David Cameron is to get his own plane.

Looks like we will also see those flying pigs we've heard so much about.

[Raistlin]

So most ISIS fighter are recruited through various methods of propaganda.

Why don't we start our own propaganda campaign by dropping thousands of leaflets over Syria with photos of Susan Boyle and Ann Widdecombe to show then what real virgins look like?

[Raistlin]

New intelligence reports suggest that IS had planned to attack the Trafford Centre last weekend.

However after waiting in standing traffic on the M60 for three hours and four hours waiting to park they gave up and went home.

[Raistlin]

I didn't realise just how desperate some of these Syrian refugees were until this week.

100 hundred of them boarded a flight to Glasgow, how bad can it be?

[Raistlin]

In a statement made today, the singer 'Shaggy' finally admitted.

It was him.

[Raistlin]

One must read the holy Quran: it enlightens you, it gives you strength, it gives you courage, and it may bail you out of a hostage situation.

[Raistlin]

Eagles of Death Metal describe horror of Bataclan massacre for the first time.

Singer fought back tears as he described the horrific events and how record sales had gone through the roof.

[Raistlin]

According to reports, one of the bombs used in France last weekend was concealed inside an orange soda can.

President Hollande has announced that for security reasons that would be the Last Tango In Paris.

[Raistlin]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's permanent."

[Raistlin]

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

[Raistlin]

Turkey downs Russian fighter jet.

Bernard Matthews unavailable for comment.

[Raistlin]

Suicide bomb belt found in bin 10 days after Paris attacks.

And I thought my council bin men were lazy....

[Raistlin]

... and the second rule of fight club is, whatever you do, DO NOT invite Jeremy Corbyn.

[Raistlin]

Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.

How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has hit back after a photo was published showing her in a toilet close to a 'mysterious white powder'.

Her spokesperson said, "Cheryl would like to make it clear that she only went into the toilet to racially abuse the attendant."

[Raistlin]

I was talking to this girl in a club when she said,

"Is it true that the bigger a mans car is, the smaller his penis? "

"I believe so, " I answered, "anyway, would you like me to give you a lift home on my skateboard? "

[Raistlin]

The JML Hoverball "makes the perfect gift."

Let's see if the wife agrees.

[Raistlin]

I don't understand how people can say ISIS and Saudi Arabia are the same thing.

I mean, one is a terrorist group that:

Uses torture on a daily basis

Beheads opponents

Relies on oil for its existence

The other is a country that:

Uses torture on a daily basis

Beheads opponents

Relies on oil for its existence

Is the chair of the UN Human Rights Council.

See? Completely different.

[Raistlin]

I see the Corrs are back in 2015 with a new album in time for Christmas.

I've really missed having a wank over the cute one.

Does anyone know his name?

[Raistlin]

I sat on the bed on my wedding night, full of anticipation.

I could hear my new wife on the phone in the bathroom.

"I don't know if I should spit or swallow." I heard her say to her mate.

It turns out they were booked in for wine tasting next week.

[Raistlin]

The Bataclan Theatre in Paris was evacuated after a suspicious package was found.

French investigators were baffled by this object for hours.

But it turns out it was just a can of deodorant.

[Raistlin]

My wife sent me a card saying "Get Better Soon" today.

I'm not ill, I'm just crap at sex.