Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Rumours of corruption in boxing have surfaced when it was noticed that Wladimer Klitschko has a freshly tarmacced drive and new clothes pegs on his washing line

[Raistlin]

Cyber Monday is followed by Terminated Credit Card Tuesday.

[Raistlin]

I have plans to build a Delorian and use herbs and spices as fuel

It's a thyme machine

[Raistlin]

At long last they have found a cure for mental illness.

It seems all you have to do is murder 13 prostitutes with a hammer and wait.

[Raistlin]

What goes Oh Oh Oh?

Santa clause walking backwards

[Raistlin]

Signs of despair from the Stop The War coalition today, as British bombs failed to kill a single child...

"I look like a terrorist sympathiser now", said one supporter.

[Raistlin]

Scientists say men think about sex every seven sex

[Raistlin]

Latest world weather report just in.

There will be Typhoons and Tornados in the middle east overnight

[Raistlin]

I bet Santa regrets giving coal to all the naughty children now Global Warming is affecting where he lives!

[Raistlin]

I was reading one of those Ann Summers catalogues.

I never knew there was so many different shaped whisks.

[Raistlin]

How do you turn your dishwasher into a leaf blower?

Give her a broom.

[Raistlin]

I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress"

My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.

And that it's useful.

And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.

[Raistlin]

Stick out your tongue.

Move it up, move it down.

Relax.

Stick out your tongue.

Move it to the left, move it to the right.

Relax.

Close your left eye. Open your left eye.

Relax.

Close your right eye. Open your right eye.

Relax.

Repeat three times.

Congratulations.

You've just completed the new Stephen Hawking Xmas workout DVD.

[Raistlin]

I went to a feminist restaurant today

I got chucked out when I asked for the menu

[Raistlin]

I suffer with insomnia, but I'm getting excited.

Only three more sleeps until Christmas.

[Raistlin]

"Hello, my name's Dave and I'm addicted to baby powder."

-Talcoholics anonymous.

[Raistlin]

Well, that's definitely the last time I ever go shopping with my wife.

We were on our way home from Tesco this morning and she dropped down dead.

[Raistlin]

eBay Ireland has some great deals.

'For sale- Wind Up Radio'

(Batteries not included)

[Raistlin]

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane?"

"Put it back under the tree, Superman, you can open it Christmas morning."

[Raistlin]

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

[Raistlin]

I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business.

People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them.

[Raistlin]

On my way to work early this morning I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Louisa Johnson. I approached her and offered my congratulations on her success in the X factor.

"Thank you" she smiled "Would you like my autograph?"

"No thanks" I replied "Just a sausage and egg McMuffin and a coffee please"

[Raistlin]

The Republic of Ireland get to Euro 2016.

Sheamus becomes WWE champ.

Conor McGregor becomes undisputed UFC champ.

New album from Enya.

The Corrs get back together.

If you ask me, we're bombing the wrong country.

[Raistlin]

For the first time a woman has been voted onto a council in Saudi Arabia.

The leader of the council said "Allah be praised we finally have someone to make a cup of tea at council meetings"

[Raistlin]

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder, has pledged to give away 99 percent of his fortune after the birth of his child.

Baby Max's first words are going to be...

"You did what?"