Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!

[Raistlin]

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.

guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"

God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls soft?"

God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"

God: "So they'll like you."

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

[Raistlin]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

[Raistlin]

Two burglars broke into a building and stole a calendar.

They both got 6 months.

[Raistlin]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely."

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[Raistlin]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special.

I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[Raistlin]

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?

Swim for it...

[Raistlin]

If at first you don't succeed...

Buy her another drink

[Raistlin]

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a media arts degree ask?

"Do you want fries with that?"

[Raistlin]

Two men went to the desert for a vacation.

They rented a camel and headed out.

Five days later they came back but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?"

They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two R soles on that camel!'

So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"

[Raistlin]

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?

Nine.

One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

[Raistlin]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking.

They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that.

Someone has stolen our tent."

[Raistlin]

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.

She has a parrot on her shoulder.

Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."

Guy says: "An alligator?"

Woman says: "Close enough"

[Raistlin]

Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette are living together.

The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist.

The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide.

The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!"

The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

[Raistlin]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

[Calisto]

woooo hoooooooooooooooo love them

[Raistlin]

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm.

He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun.

He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer.

"Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking!

If that sheep says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"

[Raistlin]

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house.

After the party you took me home.

On the way we parked and got into the back seat.

You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you really are a good sport."

[Raistlin]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

[Raistlin]

An old couple are on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[Raistlin]

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.

The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

"Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."

"For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"

[Raistlin]

Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death ?

The four Norseman of the Apocalypse.