Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Likewise ! Another intrusion!

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght (Dublin suburb) man are in the bar. They're

staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so

familiar,

and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God,

it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and

a pint of Becks.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the

pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks,

Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for

the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a

cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is

gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate,

the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Tallaght man shouts, f**k off, I'm on disability benefit!'

[mollycorolla]

ha ha ha ha ha i love it :P

[Raistlin]

What do you give the pedophile who has everything ?

Another parish

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Raistlin]

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.

"I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning ?"

"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved for women ?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator

[Raistlin]

Two men are talking.

The first says, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

[Raistlin]

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest ?

When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

[Raistlin]

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

[Raistlin]

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

[Raistlin]

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"

[Raistlin]

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real B*****d'

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler ?

It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

[Raistlin]

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer"

[Raistlin]

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

"I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."

The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."

The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"

She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' "

"Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.

"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

[Raistlin]

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"

"Because I'm a prostitute."

[Raistlin]

Steve complained to his friend that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

[Raistlin]

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk...

[Raistlin]

At court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with Battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

[Raistlin]

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.

After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

[Raistlin]

Jewish view on when life begins:

There's a big controversy on when life begins.

In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

[Raistlin]

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-***** student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[Raistlin]

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman.

If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me.

[Raistlin]

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.