Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Raistlin]

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

[Raistlin]

Just read another article about a morbidly obese bride who's wedding photos shamed her into dieting.

Perhaps the size 28 dress that she ordered 2 years before the wedding may have given her an inkling she was a bit on the chubby side.....

 

[Raistlin]

My headmaster said I'd never grow up to be much.

I think you'll find my three stars at McDonalds say otherwise.
 

[Raistlin]

man and a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper and lower berth of a long distance train.

At 2 am, man leans over saying, "Ma'am, sorry to bother you, would you be kind enough to give me a second blanket from the side table. It's awfully cold here.

"I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married?"

"Great idea Ma'am", he replied in great excitement.

She says, "Well then get up and get it yourself."

[Raistlin]

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

[Raistlin]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Raistlin]

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

[Raistlin]

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts!

[Raistlin]

A blonde sees a flier on a bulletin board that reads, "Cruise -- Only $5." She goes to the address on the flier and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.

Her friend replies, "They didn't last year."

[Raistlin]

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children

[Raistlin]

Heard about the new shampoo for Pikeys?

It's called Go and Wash

 

[Raistlin]

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.

"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"

"You  nutbar, you're not in a car, you're in a mental hospital!"

A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut up will you, he's giving me twenty quid a day to wash it."

 

[Raistlin]

We call our granddad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

 

[Raistlin]

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

 

[Raistlin]

 

 

WOMENS PERSONAL ADS GUIDE (THE REAL MEANINGS)

 

40ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

 

 

[Raistlin]

*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

 

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?

One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

[Raistlin]

What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!

[Raistlin]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back.

The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.

The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!"

The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

[Raistlin]

Dear Charlie,

We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Cordially, Harry

[Raistlin]

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

[Raistlin]

Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.

[Raistlin]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Raistlin]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."