Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

[Raistlin]

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

[Raistlin]

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

[Raistlin]

Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."

I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.

[Raistlin]

What do the British drink warm beer?

Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

[Raistlin]

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

[Raistlin]

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.

The other two guys jumped clear.

[Raistlin]

 

 

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[Raistlin]

Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all!
OMG!!!
What bout your uncle paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number
 

[Raistlin]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"          

[Raistlin]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.”            

[Raistlin]

Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...

[Raistlin]

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

[Raistlin]

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

[Raistlin]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[Raistlin]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Raistlin]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Raistlin]

Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.
 

[Raistlin]

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
 

[Raistlin]

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”
 

[Raistlin]

I fear my neighbour may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
 

[Raistlin]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

[Raistlin]

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

[Raistlin]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

[Raistlin]

Girls are two types - the ones, who hate February 14th, and the ones, who have a boyfriend.