Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a motorway
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day?

He replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

[Raistlin]

 I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

 

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

[Raistlin]

 I have an EpiPen.

 

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

[Raistlin]

 What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

 

The taste.

[Raistlin]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

[Raistlin]

The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The good news is you don't have PMS.

The bad news is - you're a b!tch!"

[Raistlin]

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?

Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

[Raistlin]

Why didn't NASA send a woman to the moon ?

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned yet

[Raistlin]

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

[Raistlin]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They

are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as

your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your tool is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Raistlin]

Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came across a buried lamp.

Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one.

She is instantly turned into a black haired woman.

She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.

The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[Raistlin]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your

religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...

I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed

once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he

was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead...

[Raistlin]

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bar**** called me a slut!" Mary said.

"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.

"I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party ?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Raistlin]

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Raistlin]

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

[Raistlin]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts

disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry

five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I

want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Raistlin]

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.

"She broke down and told me she was bisexual.

Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year

[Raistlin]

Since my Mum went senile all she does is stare through windows. . . .

Maybe one day if its really cold and wet I'll let her inside.

[Raistlin]

The Big Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit.

Most of them look like tramps.

[Raistlin]

I haven't had sex for a long time.

One minute seven seconds is still my personal best.