Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife accused me of loving my computer more than I love her.

It's hardly surprising; my computer regularly goes down on me.

[Raistlin]

My door-bell went this morning.

That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mirror -

" A campaign has been launched for Liverpool to have its own bank holiday. The city's Lord Mayor said 'If any city deserves its own bank holiday, then it has to be Liverpool' "

Why?

Because they work so hard the rest of the year?

[Raistlin]

Fat people only learn 4 letters of the Alphabet.

O,B,C,T.

[Raistlin]

I've just got divorced and my ex-wife said she wanted half the house.

I said, because I will always love her, she can take anything she wants...

She took all the floor boards.

But she said that she still loves me too.

I hate not knowing where I stand...

[Raistlin]

Bomb disposal:

Making metal-detecting less of a past-time and more of an adrenalin sport.

[Raistlin]

You call it premature ejaculation.

I call it hands free

[Raistlin]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight!

I hope you're ready for the best s*x you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot.

First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight.

[Raistlin]

What's another word for Thesaurus?

[Raistlin]

I was going to write a joke about obese people with an inactive thyroid

but I don't want to jump on the glandwagon.

[Raistlin]

Me and my girlfriend had been dating for over a year, so the day came round when we decided to get married.

My parents were very helpful and gave all the funds we needed.

My girlfriend was a dream come true, but there was one problem , this was her younger sister.

My soon to be sister in law , was 20, wore tight miniskirts, low cut tops and would always bend down near me so I could always see her underwear.

She had to be doing it on purpose.

She never did it to anyone else.

One day the little sister calls me and asks to go to their house to check the wedding invites, when I arrived she was alone.

She came up to my ear and whispered that she had feelings for me and she didn't want to overcome them.

She carried on explaining how she wanted to make love to me and said she wanted us to make love before I got married and committed to her sister.

I was in shock and couldn't believe what she had just said, she said' I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to come up and get me.'

I was gob smacked as she walked up the stairs pulled down her thong and tossed it down to me.

I stood there for one moment and sprinted for the door, as I opened the door her whole family were there tears in there eyes, we are so happy that you passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter, welcome to the family.

.....................................................

The morale of the story:

Always keep your Durex in your car

[Raistlin]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night,

After 3 hours of amazing s*x,

Paddy says to Mick "I wonder how the girls are getting on"...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination,

I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination",

That showed her...

[Raistlin]

If at first you don't succeed,

Try doing it the way your Husband told you...

[Raistlin]

A termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here ?"

[Raistlin]

BMW has announced that the new 5 Series will have a ‘Self Park’ option.

I have a few suggestions:

Self not indicating

Self pulling out into traffic when there is no gap

Self tailgating and flashing headlights

[Raistlin]

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

[Raistlin]

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs...

how do I know?...

...let's just say a little bird told me.

[Raistlin]

I finally found my Star Trek shirt after all these years!

Incidentally, it's a really odd feeling to be simultaneously both a winner and a loser.

[Raistlin]

Gamblers Anonymous:

How do they know where to send your winnings ?

[Raistlin]

Compasses.

Where would we be without them ?

[Raistlin]

I've written a book about the evils of sexism.

It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.

[Raistlin]

I just got fired from my job as an ice cream man after an "innappropriate response" when the young girl asked for a Mr Whippy.

[Raistlin]

Downloaded an illegal copy of the, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' game.

Hosted by Chris Torrent.

[Raistlin]

A Staples truck ploughed into my car me last week, giving me severe whiplash and leaving my motor totally written off.

Now, to add insult to injury it looks like I'm going to be held responsible for the accident despite the fact he drove into the back of me.

The woman I spoke to at my insurance company said that there's a clause in the smallprint on my policy that says that I'll be held liable for any crash with a stationery vehicle.