Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I asked my new, blonde girlfriend what she thought about fellatio,

She said," Not much, I've never read any Shakespeare."

[Raistlin]

I know the voices in my head aren't real,

But, they come up with some good ideas...

[Raistlin]

A bloke walks into John Lewis Oxford Street and looks like a normal bloke in a big shop, a bit lost.

One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.

"Hmm, yes, could you tell me where the women's department is please?"

"Certainly sir, it's on the first floor, the escalator is over there."

"Thank you."

On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical and another assistant comes over.

"Hello sir, can I help you?"

"Is this the women's department?"

"Yes sir, what is it that you're looking for?"

"A Hoover."

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's,

But they do make exceedingly good cakes...

[Raistlin]

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Russian family 'jumped to deaths' from Glasgow flats after being refused asylum.

How bad has your life got to be if you commit suicide because your not allowed to continue living in a tower block in Glasgow.

[Raistlin]

I don't need an answering machine.

My wife already has an answer for everything.

[Raistlin]

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight,

It's an absoute mystery as to why though ?

The plot thickens...

[Raistlin]

Two Ion's walking down the street anf one Ion says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other Ion says, "Are you positive ?"

[Raistlin]

The other day my girlfriend put me in a tough situation, she said "Do I look fat in this?"

Just before i told her how great she looked my mouth started moving for me, and i said: 'To be fair, it's a small room'

Now that her stuff's gone, the room is actually quite large...

[Raistlin]

I was driving down the road when I ran over some Humus,

A little further on, some Taramasalata,

Then I saw a road sign,

'Caution - Dips in road'

[Raistlin]

I saw a guy who used to work for me, who had abviously fallen on hard times, begging on the street.

He asked me "Any change mate?"

"Yes, quite a lot in fact," I said ... "I've bought a bigger house and a new BMW"

"You ?"

[Raistlin]

How do you know your wife is dead ?

The s*x is the same but the dishes start to pile up...

[Raistlin]

Meeting a beautiful woman,

Fantastic first date,

s*x on second date,

long term relationship with lots of s*x then finding out girlfriend is your long lost sister.

Carlsberg don't do relationships....

[Raistlin]

Whipped cream served on a virgin's nipple,

Cherries rubbed on a latex suit,

Chocolate smeared on the back of a gagged tied up !Removed!,

This isn't just food, it's S&M Food...

[Raistlin]

I have come to conclusion that it's better to have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

I'd rather spill half my pint than completely forget where I'd left it...

[Raistlin]

Women think childbirth is the most painful thing in the world,

They've obviously never had their broadband connection go down when they've got the house all to themselves for the night...

[Raistlin]

Broken buildings, flood damage, rubbish everywhere, crying homeless people, injured and diseased calling for help,

For just two Pounds a week you can help someone in Liverpool start a new life...

[Raistlin]

What's white, sticky and goes 100 mph ?

A train driver's milkshake...

[Raistlin]

My wife left me for someone else.

I must admit, he's much hotter than me.

Especially now he has met Billy the Blowtorch...

[Raistlin]

My mate is !Removed! twins, so I said to him, "How do you tell them apart?"

"That's easy," he replied " Brenda's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache."

[Raistlin]

My sister told me she was going to an Ann Summers party with her mates,

"Oooh, I'm coming," I said,

"It's just for girls," she replied,

I think she misunderstood me...

[Raistlin]

Luminous condoms,

Now you can see her disappointment in the dark...

[Raistlin]

I'm extremely proud of my essay about the wind,

But it's only a draft...

[Raistlin]

os

Thats so out of order...