Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was looking in the factual section of my local book shop, and saw loads of copies on "Women are people too."

Now I'm not usually pedantic,

But I had to move them all to the Fiction section...

[Raistlin]

I'm not being condescending,

I'm too busy thinking about far more important things that you just wouldn't understand...

[Raistlin]

A man takes a woman back to his apartment after their first date.

He gets his key out and goes to open the door.

The woman says: "I can tell how good a lover a man is just by the way he opens a door.

If he slams the key in and forces the door open that means he's very rough and I don't like that.

However if he struggles to get the key in the lock that means he doesn't have any experience and I don't like that either.

So how do you open your door?"

The man smiles and says: "Well, before I stick the key in I lick the lock."

[Raistlin]

When does a Cub become a Boy Scout ?

When he eats his first brownie...

[Raistlin]

I've just ordered a chinese,

Hopefully she'll be able to get a visa...

[Raistlin]

Just decided to splash out on a Hannah Montana calender,

My wife has asked me to move out by Friday and has refused me access to my daughter...

[Raistlin]

I'm fed up of people challenging my green ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world,

Even my coat is recycled,

It used to be a leopard...

[Raistlin]

It was my girlfriends birthday the other day,

So I bought her a bag and belt,

She wasn't too happy but the hoover works fine now...

[Raistlin]

My friend gave me an unusual deck of cards yesterday - some were oblong shaped, others were round,

I didn't know how to deal with it...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend keeps telling me she'd like to be treated once in a while,

So I covered her in Creosote...

[Raistlin]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table, he ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.

He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Raistlin]

Need a screwdriver with a long shaft to do the job?

Let's torque...

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer ?

None,

It should be opened by the time she brings it...

[Raistlin]

It seems like every time I turn around I just get dizzier...

[Raistlin]

I was driving past Anfield and saw two tickets nailed to a fence,

I thought to myself "I'll have them",

You can never have enough nails...

[Raistlin]

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend has a picture of a sea Shell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

[Raistlin]

I just heard my next door neighbour’s window smash and his burglar alarm went off so I immediately sprang into action…

I went round there and got myself a free telly.

 

[Raistlin]

Whenever I split up from a woman I think, "I'll always have my memories",

And by memories I mean naked photographs of them...

[Raistlin]

A feminist came up to me and said, "You men are all like pandas. Eats, shoots, and leaves!"

Taken aback, I said, "Well I think women are like pandas!"

I froze, desperately trying to think of a witty comment but I couldn't,

So I just gave her two black eyes...

[Raistlin]

My boss asked me where I saw myself in five years time,

Apparently dancing on your grave was not the answer he was looking for...

[Raistlin]

My scouse girlfriend doesn't exactly help with the stereo-typing of people from Liverpool,

I bought her some sexy underwear and stockings, she put the stocking over her head...

[Raistlin]

My wife and I had a huge row last night,

She called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible",

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price gets a taxi home, she lifts her skirt up and says to driver "Can I pay you with this ?"

The cabbie looks at her pussy and says "Blimey love, haven't you got anything smaller ?" ...

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend was very optimistic,

Until I drowned her in a pool that was half full...