Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend was very optimistic,

Until I drowned her in a pool that was half full...

[Raistlin]

I was chatting up a girl at the local bar and she mentioned that she was a virgin, then she said "I know what your thinking",

In hindsight, responding "Doubtful, your still smiling" was a bad choice...

[Raistlin]

I accidentally smashed my cat's skull today.

It appears my bathroom isn't as big as I thought it was...

[Raistlin]

The wife came home the other day from the store and I checked the receipt.

I asked her why she had to spend over £130 on makeup.

She replied "Its so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on your beer".

I told her it was to make her look pretty.

Needless to say, I slept on the sofa that night...

[Raistlin]

I got a tin of Ronseal the other day and they're right,

It does exactly what it says on the tin,

It caused nausea and vomiting when ingested...

[Raistlin]

Limousine - a collective noun for a group of slags.

[Raistlin]

Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day,

Teach an African to phish and he will steal your identity...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into library and asks if they have any books on coincidences,

The librarian nods and says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived."...

[Raistlin]

managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last week.

My wife asked me how much I was going to give her,

I said "£10".

She complained "You always told me that if you won the lottery you'd give me half".

I said "Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that's a tenner"

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Beadle walks into the urinal to take a pee,

He holds his penis and thinks to himself,

I have a small cock,

But on the other hand...

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "Almost caught masturbating" like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage...

[Raistlin]

I've got a new invention,

It's like a toaster however the inserts are ever so slightly deeper so the bread actually fits...

[Raistlin]

I went to the library and asked for a book on Rohypnol,

That's the last thing I remember...

[Raistlin]

Apple are bringing out a new invention for chaemotherapy patients this year.

Its called the iBrow...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Katie Price and a bowling ball ?

You can't get Katie Price into a bowling ball...

[Raistlin]

If number 2 pencils are the most popular, then why are they they not the number 1 ?

[Raistlin]

Ejaculation:

She says premature,

I say 'spontaneous'...

[Raistlin]

If were not supposed to have midnight snacks,

Why is there a light in the fridge ?...

[Raistlin]

Being in a mixed-faith household,

Our Easter eggs are hidden by the Easter Rabbi...

[Raistlin]

Geri Halliwell has said in an interview that, "Victoria Beckham is like Marmite",

I can see what she means;

I'd happily stick a knife in her...

[Raistlin]

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[Raistlin]

Just been reading one of those self learn by alphabet books for medical students.

It's really good;

A is for Arthritus

B is for Bronchitus

C is for Dyslexia

[Raistlin]

I just lost my Job as an Imperial Storm Trooper,

Apparently they were the droids we were looking for...

[Raistlin]

What's worse than not being able to find your car keys ?

Knowing your wife has them...

[Raistlin]

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Control Freak."

"Now you say, 'Control freak who"