Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Women in space, I didn't even know that the space station had a sink...

Still at least they have a great vacuum...

[Raistlin]

The 'sport' of extreme ironing means you have to go to really remote, dangerous places and iron a shirt.

Imagine if you'd taken a plane from England to Antarctica & then trek hundreds of miles to the South Pole & set up your ironing board.

Then you think, "Where do I plug the iron in ?"

That's not extreme ironing, it's extreme irony.

[Raistlin]

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

 

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

[Raistlin]

You think that shops load up to early for Christmas!

 

well my Supermarket has already got Birthday cake in and that's not for another 7 months...

[Raistlin]

"Beer up again? Why should I come here and pay £3.60 for a pint when I can get 4 cans for a fiver at the shop to drink at home? " I said to the landlord.

 

"Because your wife's there. " He replied.

 

[Raistlin]

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted...

 

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

[Raistlin]

This God botherer stopped me in the street,

"You are aware the end of the world is just around the corner, don't you?" he said.

He had a point, I only live a mile from Slough.

[Raistlin]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

 

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

[Raistlin]

I'd just like to thank my English teacher for defining the word 'Many' for me.

 

It means a lot.

[Raistlin]

I got caught masturbating recently, to a National Geographic magazine.

 

I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.

[Raistlin]

Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'.

 

Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

[Raistlin]

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards'

I thought, That's just spam
 

[Raistlin]

Apparently, if a bear attacks you, you should play dead.

 

Sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say...

[Raistlin]

I ran into a bear in the woods the other day, and I accidentally played dad instead of dead.

 

Now it can ride a bike without stabilizers!

[Raistlin]

Our Budgie broke his leg so I used a matchstick to make him a splint.

You should have seen his face light up when he started walking again.

[Raistlin]

I got sacked from PC World yesterday.

A Woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing to finding your ancestors and I said a shovel.....

[Raistlin]

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos , I get excited .

 

Because, I know, she's legal and willing to do stuff, she might regret.

[Raistlin]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement, in the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"

[Raistlin]

There has only been one girl ever who asked me for sex, that was nearly forty years ago and I have been with her ever since.

Waiting for her to ask again.

[Raistlin]

Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong, I say whatever floats your goat.

[Raistlin]

When you first meet her, she says she's "bi", then later you realise she meant " polar"..

[Raistlin]

My boss just accused me of plagiarism.

 

Her words, not mine.

[Raistlin]

My mate wished me a Merry Christmas today.

A bit early but he does suffer from premature congratulation.

[Raistlin]

I was about to buy a Blue Peter advent calendar.
Then I remembered I had made one earlier.
 

[Raistlin]

The new £5 note is not suitable for vegans.

They are not strong enough to fold it.