Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[Raistlin]

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.

Well, you know how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right.

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

[Raistlin]

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"

Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be sleeping with you."

[Raistlin]

A husband said to his wife "Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."

She replied "But you NEVER take me out."

"I'm not," said the husband, "but I'm turning the heating off before I go."

[Raistlin]

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty pence," the man answers.

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

[Raistlin]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbour suggested she notch the ear off one horse.

That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

[Raistlin]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[Raistlin]

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."

[Raistlin]

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[Raistlin]

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ?

Both of them.

[Raistlin]

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

[Raistlin]

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Raistlin]

There are three truths in life:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the off license.

[Raistlin]

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.

The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat.

He managed to creep into range and finally shot it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, no" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

[Raistlin]

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."

Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!"

[Raistlin]

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavour in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree.

He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening.

He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"

The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

[Raistlin]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said. 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Raistlin]

A young lady walks into a doctors office.

"Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge"

The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady,

"Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"

[Raistlin]

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Raistlin]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's too heavy," says the vet.

[Raistlin]

Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

Her knickers fit her like a glove!

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.

The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.

Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

[Raistlin]

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are.

The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris"

"How do you know" ask the others "Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."

Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"

"How?" asks the others "Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"

Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."

"How do you know that?" comes the reply.

"Because someone has just stolen my watch"