Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.

"One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Raistlin]

What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.

As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"

asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[Raistlin]

I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms.

For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance".

Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that.

But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tougher and tougher.

[Raistlin]

Lesbians can also take Viagra.

They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose ?

Full.

[Raistlin]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:

"Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

[Raistlin]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Raistlin]

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years I've been eating them raw.

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?

A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it Rub-it"

[Raistlin]

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree.

I remember the day plainly.

It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

[Raistlin]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[Raistlin]

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered houbikly.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle ?

If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

[Raistlin]

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life.

She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.

She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road.

She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

[Raistlin]

Why do Welsh shepherds have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains ?

So they push back harder.

[Raistlin]

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Raistlin]

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting at the cup final in the very best seat available.

The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

[Raistlin]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[Raistlin]

2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel.

Just as they are about to consummate the marriage, the male says “oh no, i don't have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service.

“Do you have any condoms?” he asks

“Yes sir” comes the reply”

“Good” says the duck “Can you send some to our room?”

Certainly sir” replies the clerk “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”

"Don't be silly” yells the duck “I'd suffocate”

[Raistlin]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.

As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.

“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly ?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said," Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

[Raistlin]

A chap in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 streets away when his van ran out of fuel.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

[Raistlin]

There is a blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a corn field.

Another blonde drives up in a nice car and says to the other blonde “You know its you blondes that give us blondes a bad name, if I could swim out there I would kick you”

[Raistlin]

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop.

The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you ? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."