Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.

"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between men and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

[Raistlin]

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day.

One says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor.

The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"

The supervisor says "Intelligence".

Guido says "what is this intelligence?"

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!"

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence".

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.

"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists.

"He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

[Raistlin]

"Will the father be present during the birth ?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

[Raistlin]

What is the Australian for foreplay ?

Brace yourself, Sheila

And the Welsh ?

Are you awake, Gwen ?

[Raistlin]

How do you get a Blonde to marry you ?

Tell her she's Pregnant.

[Raistlin]

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot.

She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out.

When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"

The ant climbs up and starts to work away.

Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

[Raistlin]

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

[Raistlin]

Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife.

When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous.

When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue...

[Raistlin]

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

[Raistlin]

What's a blonde's mating call ?

I think I'm drunk.

[Raistlin]

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

[Raistlin]

Why is masturbating like eating McDonald's ?

Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you swear you'll never do it again.

[Raistlin]

The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel.

The new groom approached the desk clerk.

He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon.

The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.

"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."

[Raistlin]

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

[Raistlin]

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

[Raistlin]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Raistlin]

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?

Megasorass.

[Raistlin]

What's the Arkansas state motto ?

If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.

[Raistlin]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Raistlin]

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room.

He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.

After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's OK. She's not here!"

[Raistlin]

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds?

Half a cheetah.

[Raistlin]

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonight."

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".

The wife says "That's close enough!"

[Raistlin]

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything." his mates asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of bruised nuts.

The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."