Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor.

"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber.

"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl!

[Raistlin]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Raistlin]

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[Raistlin]

The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of £500 an hour.

The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?"

The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

[Raistlin]

Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?

A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???

A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)

Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?

A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?

A. The Invitation !

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?

A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

[Raistlin]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

[Raistlin]

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde.

He asked her to stick her head out the window and see if the indicator worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

[Raistlin]

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million pounds would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million pounds, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future MP."

[Raistlin]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Raistlin]

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

[Raistlin]

8 things you'll never hear a woman say...

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, £ 300.00 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

[Raistlin]

Why are blondes like cornflakes ?

Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

[Raistlin]

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs ?

They keep breaking them with the hammer.

[Raistlin]

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.

On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.

The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

[Raistlin]

A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE

Getting married is very much like going to a Continental restaurant

with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the

other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing

your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,

I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree

and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get

married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying

for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most

countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was

until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year

married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the

man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks

and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the

neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool

when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in

love and didn't notice it."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he

received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can

have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of

one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your

laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

[Raistlin]

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

[Raistlin]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship.

She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.

Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor.

When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.

She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

[Raistlin]

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high.

She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for £50," the clerk says.

"£50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”

"Well, this frog is worth it.

It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing, she decides the frog might be a good investment.

She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.

The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen.

She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

[Raistlin]

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze..

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

[Raistlin]

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I

know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over.

I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you

please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,

...."My lawyer."

[Raistlin]

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"

So who's in a hurry ?

[Raistlin]

Questions ?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,

does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald

man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time

it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

[Raistlin]

A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Raistlin]

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Raistlin]

The Perks of Being Over 40

...

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.