Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Things Not To Say During Childbirth....

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

[Raistlin]

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

[Raistlin]

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

Upon finding only two five pound notes in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the £200 hidden in my shoe!"

[Raistlin]

MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code Description

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

6969 Beating off in Broom Closet

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

8102 Laughing while reading e-mail

[Raistlin]

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

[Raistlin]

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

[Raistlin]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man comes into the bakery, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread -- on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.

When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is

going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No, croaked the old man, "but it's a quivering'".

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers ?

People were confused about which side to spit on.

[Raistlin]

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.

You have a gun with two bullets.

What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer.

Twice.

[Raistlin]

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning ?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

[Raistlin]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered , half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America... well developed and open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 and 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Between 46 and 55 a woman is like France... gently aging but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things

Between 56 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and in need of massive reconstruction

Between 61 and 70 she is like Russia... wide and unpatrolled borders, with a frigid climate that keeps people away

Between 70 and 80 a woman is like Mongolia... a long, glorious and all-conquering past, but not much of a future

From 80 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there

[Raistlin]

Somewhere in Alabama:

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution.

We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

Woman: "Right, Daddy"

[Raistlin]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[Raistlin]

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a third time.

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

[Raistlin]

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

[Raistlin]

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion ?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree ?

Cut the rope.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer ?

About three pounds, including the urn.

[Raistlin]

Dear wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.

I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter.

I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.

Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife

[Raistlin]

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it.

She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

[Raistlin]

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, Her husband died.

She remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

[Raistlin]

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.

He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts.

She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.

Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Raistlin]

Here are some thoughts for the day

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession, and it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

[Raistlin]

For all those men who say,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you.....

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

[Raistlin]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[Hoovie]

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band;

in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe.

She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs Monica by the scruff of the neck and shouts...

"Oi! You're only supposed to blow the !Removed! Doors off."

[Raistlin]

How does a man keep his youth ?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.