Raistlin's Joke Page

[Hoovie]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty Plot.

One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more

or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her Sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled

her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every Day with Steve and

Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the

house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so.

Provided those tossers at Jewsons deliver the f*ckin' bricks.'

[dave.m]

A Scotsman, A Frenchman and an Italian are talking about how good they are at making love.

The Italian says, after I make love to my wife I rub the back of her knee. She is so turned on

that she floats 12 inches above the bed.

The frenchman not to be out-done says after he makes love to his wife, he gently uses his tounge

to caress her behind her ear. She gets so turned on that she floats 24" above the bed.

The Scotsman, on hearing this says thats nothing, I s^%g the wife, jump up, run over to the window

and wipe my d^ck on the curtains. The wife hits the f^ck&n roof.

[Raistlin]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?"

He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.

Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

[Raistlin]

Perks of Old Age

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}

[Raistlin]

20 ways to say that someone's "fly is open"....

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

[Raistlin]

Q. Why did the tomato blush?

A. Because he saw the salad, dressing.

Q. What did the lettuce say to the celery?

A. Are you stalking me?

Q. Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

A. Because he couldn't find a date!

Q. What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?

A. We have to stop meating like this.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?

A. Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Q. Have you heard of the garlic diet?

A. You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

Q. Why do people kill animals?

A. Fur convenience steak.

Q. How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. I don't know, but where do you get your protein?

Q. What do you call a militant vegan?

A. Lactose intolerant.

Q. What's the best way to keep milk fresh?

A. Leave it in the cow.

[Raistlin]

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

[Raistlin]

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'

over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,

Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

[Raistlin]

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[Raistlin]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Raistlin]

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified.

They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.

A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.

This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you right off if you are a ***** if you are acting like one!

You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

[Raistlin]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."

[Raistlin]

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.

The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans ***** in one hand."

St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."

The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans ***** in both hands."

St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.

Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.

St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on?

One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her bum in there.

[Raistlin]

With the divorce rate so high , a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous."

Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time ?

She managed to squeeze them both in.

[Raistlin]

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

[Raistlin]

Are computers males or females?

You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Hoovie]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh*t.'

[Calisto]

The last one was good!.

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.'

'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

[Raistlin]

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I

don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market

crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to

go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than

me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office

building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something

unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just

happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own

those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says,

"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for

jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I

kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what

has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this

good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

[Raistlin]

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of

golf together.

They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the

second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for

me?".

The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."

So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to

his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".

"Sure!", says his buddy.

"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.

The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

[Raistlin]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.

When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

[Raistlin]

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[Raistlin]

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar.

His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her.

One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home.

She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."