Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

[Raistlin]

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

[Raistlin]

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he

called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.

How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree.

His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

[Raistlin]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of

a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he

starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a

grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,

1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth

Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he

leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with

him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has

changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the

previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When

they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,

again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are

being played in the reverse order in which they were

composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has

gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the

Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for

the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's

just decomposing!"

[Raistlin]

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.

"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.

"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"

[Raistlin]

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD"

No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during the surveys implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is meant by "lack"

2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"

3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"

4. In South America no one knew what is "please"

5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

[Raistlin]

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

[Raistlin]

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

[Raistlin]

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were

down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could

get the position.

As a final test each recruit was led down a

hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first

man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say

regardless of the circumstances.

Take this gun, go into this

room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's

face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I

guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree

the agents, "You're free to go".

They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know

that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.

Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man

takes the gun and goes into the room.

The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down

his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't

kill my wife". The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that

you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take

this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the

gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13

rounds emptying the gun.

The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting.

The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks

at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't

tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Raistlin]

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?

You get your wife and your job back.

[Raistlin]

New Economic Lingo - the Crisis Special

1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a

financial genius.

4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no

jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps

crashing.

7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between

themselves.

11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

15. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per

share.

16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

17. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[Raistlin]

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical

[Raistlin]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right.

Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left.

Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[Raistlin]

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet ?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

[Raistlin]

How do you confuse a blonde ?

Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How do you confuse her even more ?

Ask her where she went.

[Raistlin]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off.

The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

[Raistlin]

Why do most men think a Mutual Orgasm is an insurance company ?

[Raistlin]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between purple and pink ?

The grip.

[Raistlin]

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common ?

They both like a tight seal.

[Raistlin]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Leeds, mine is in Reigate.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a fish and a piano ?

You can't tuna fish.

[Raistlin]

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the loo.

He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus ! What happened then?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

[Raistlin]

Why did god invent alcohol ?

So fat women can get laid too.