Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"Why what is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

[Raistlin]

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.

The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears.

Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.

One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

[Raistlin]

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many

questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and

frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains

everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?

A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a

different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act

and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give

you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's

right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and

lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a

man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow

"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I

recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly

reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,

then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?

A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you

try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggressive virgins?

A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's

up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach

men on street corners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice

with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -

even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?

A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable

experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort

of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?

A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself

pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his

wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe

him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll

soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important

matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes

to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since

they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to

remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.

Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at

first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or

embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a

natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to

play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his

friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol

and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left

out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,

cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an

expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly

energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to

do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making

him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone

to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the tool matter ?

A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is

important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male

tool measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is

extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven

centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you

lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his

laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?

A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?

A: Will you stop asking so many questions ?

Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

[Raistlin]

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub.

They go for a romantic walk down the street.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a pee".

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind these bushes".

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".

"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a dump instead."

[Raistlin]

New Scientific Theories

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

[Raistlin]

New Scientific Theories

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.

Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

[Raistlin]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "No."

Bad girls say, "When?"

[Raistlin]

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

[Raistlin]

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop.

One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.

The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed. The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left.

The customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

[Raistlin]

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Raistlin]

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?

Being stuck in a lift with the Girls Aloud.

[Raistlin]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife dumped on my face, bit 3 inches off my tool and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Raistlin]

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

[Raistlin]

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I just don't get it." said one.

"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[Raistlin]

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on, You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

[Raistlin]

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.

She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened.

As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.

I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

[Raistlin]

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word ?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

[Raistlin]

Easy Training Courses for Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[Raistlin]

Top Pickup Lines Used by William Shakespeare

1. "How about a little Puck?"

2. "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.

I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."

3. "Et tu, Cutie?"

4. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"

5. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty

unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"

6. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"

7. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."

8. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend

the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."

9. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"

10. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to

cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

11. "Greetings to you, fair sailor."

12. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"

13. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me

divine thy weight."

14. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

[Raistlin]

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights,

What happens ?

[Raistlin]

Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they

have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the

tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you

had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,

always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't

have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be

evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work

in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who

knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite

government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way

programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came

along would have destroyed civilization.

[Raistlin]

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him right in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

[Raistlin]

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,"Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his tool. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.