Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

[Raistlin]

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.

Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great.

But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

[Raistlin]

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

[Bizarra]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Raistlin]

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.

[Raistlin]

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's bum."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"

[Raistlin]

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received.

She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

"It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom.

"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a pr*ck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

[Raistlin]

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

[Raistlin]

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."

The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"

"I'm eight, sir."

"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"

"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."

"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"

"I don't remember, I was drunk."

[Raistlin]

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing.

It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

[Raistlin]

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

[Hoovie]

To be read in a STRONG Mexican accent

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to

death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the

inevitable,

When all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and

there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back

bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage ? We ees in the Desert don't

forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon....

ees

no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5

metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine

gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is

mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn

Pepe

with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a Jewish Princess with a computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.

[Raistlin]

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!

My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!"

[Raistlin]

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

[Raistlin]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...

I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

[Raistlin]

A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics.

It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.

[Raistlin]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Raistlin]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"<I thought I could get past the swearing filter - what a sad muppet I am eh?>in Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

[Raistlin]

Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Raistlin]

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano ?

An infected pussy on your organ.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that there is a new line of sneakers "coming out" for lesbians ?

They're called "dykeees".

They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

[Raistlin]

An old lady owned two monkeys.

One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.

"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.

To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

[Raistlin]

Any married man should forget his mistakes............

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.