Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

You might be a Redneck If...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You've ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree doesn't fork.

14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

18. The neighbours started a petition over your Christmas lights.

19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

22. The rear tyres on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

[Raistlin]

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

[Raistlin]

What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers ?

They grow taller

[Raistlin]

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.

One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to screw her !

The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what ?"

[Raistlin]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

[Raistlin]

Top 10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled

10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

9. "It can only make left turns"

8. "Ambulances follow you around"

7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

6. "It has the same Battery as your watch"

5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""

3. "Blue book value: £ 38.75"

2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Toffee"

1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"

[Bizarra]

Mensa Invitational

A Work Of Literary Genius

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Intaxication:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone:

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration:

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8.Inoculatte:

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis:

Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis:

A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon:

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:

All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit:

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug:

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor:

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an *****.

[Raistlin]

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.

[Raistlin]

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the

best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better

hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.

I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a

modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think

I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't

fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next

door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online

for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's

just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these

services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the

modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they

didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a

modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when

you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought

the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured

it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this

internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America

Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared

to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but

nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm

connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.

How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.

Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS

LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD

AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE

OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD

KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I

HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN

ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE

INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE

ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!

I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS

GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I

WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I

WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE

PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT

A STUPID *****. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN

THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its

probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.

I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it

to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will

have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few

posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the

earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.

Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I

can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking

where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid

next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's

laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let

him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why

the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty

stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they

used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet

asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new

signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to

read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.

I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

[Raistlin]

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail ?

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals

[Raistlin]

What do you call a blonde with white eyes ?

full up......

[Raistlin]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £ 300.00"

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.

He'd give me a £ 20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

[Raistlin]

A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.

Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down.

Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really ***** me off."

[Raistlin]

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes

flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his

head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to

the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to

knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your

business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended

son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I

just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out

the window!"

[Raistlin]

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?".

The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops right back inside.

"Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again.

"Are you my dad?", asks the baby.

"No, I am your doctor.", he replies.

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb.

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!"

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger--"How do you like that?"

[Raistlin]

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[Raistlin]

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

"I can lick any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down,

then says: "Crude, but direct.

Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

[Raistlin]

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their tools in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!

Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your tools away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...."

[Raistlin]

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay', and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, Sir.

[Raistlin]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many

canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of

indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there

are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once

again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away

in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were

surrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto,

my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together

but now I think we are doomed".

" We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

[Raistlin]

A blind guy goes into a whore house.

A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blow job.

He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo School in Romford, Essex ?"

"Yes, How did you know ?"

"I never forget a face."

[Raistlin]

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

[Raistlin]

Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my Buibaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh.

Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh!"

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned my name is Jerry."

[Raistlin]

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket.

The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles."

The American woman says, "That big?"

The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty."

[Raistlin]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd.

Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made."

So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his tool grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."

The dad replied "the convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother