Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70 ?

Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

[Raistlin]

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbour, to chit chat the afternoon away.

She walked in and said my god you look so depressed.

She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...six dozen roses.

Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

[Raistlin]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts ?

The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

[Raistlin]

10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

[Raistlin]

How To Speak Southern

Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of

Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I

aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup

truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my

pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in

my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and

git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't

git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do

hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are

tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from

some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in

LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy

Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

[Raistlin]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[Raistlin]

You know you're a redneck when...

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

[Raistlin]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!

[Raistlin]

There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest.

After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, "Mister I'm scared and cold, please let me go".

The child molester cries out, "You think your scared I have to walk home alone!"

[Raistlin]

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted t do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties.

That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"

[Raistlin]

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned.

The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said.

"You're not getting his pussy, His pussy is five to six inches deeper."

[Raistlin]

The doctor said to the housewife,

"I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The good news is you don't have PMS.

The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

[Raistlin]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you ?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name ?"

[Raistlin]

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it ?

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you ?

[Raistlin]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice ?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

[Raistlin]

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.

They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.

"I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

[Raistlin]

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, "Are you my dad?".

The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops right back inside.

"Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again.

"Are you my dad?", asks the baby.

"No, I am your doctor.", he replies.

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb.

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!"

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger--"How do you like that?"

[Raistlin]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Raistlin]

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.

"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

[Raistlin]

This morning on the Motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Porsche Carrera doing 110 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds !

When I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,

Which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand..

In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,

and scalded Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bloody Women Drivers

[Raistlin]

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted.

"The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshytz."

"What a diamond!"

"How lucky you are!"

"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshytz diamond you must take the famous Lipshytz curse!"

The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshytz curse?

""Lipshytz," sighed the lady

[Raistlin]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

[Raistlin]

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[Raistlin]

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch ?

A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you !