Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a

dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.

"First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then

I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."

"Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was

silent as he showed some numbers tattooed on his forearm and said,

"For the winning numbers".

[Raistlin]

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time.

The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide.

The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Raistlin]

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before

getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to

make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she

is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay

with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not

mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a

marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that

he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is

just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay

with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does

not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more

important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to

Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her

clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his

clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell

to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got

married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".

The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".

[Raistlin]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Raistlin]

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

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Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours, Gloria

[Raistlin]

Why do women have arms ?

Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean

[Raistlin]

One doc operated on a person for a hernia.

He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table.

At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis.

He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient.

Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty.

After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk.

Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now.

He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering."

[Raistlin]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody ...

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

[Raistlin]

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.

I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.

"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the

world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable

snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.

The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone

doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her

clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man

"make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and

says "pick that up, bitch."

[Raistlin]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

[Raistlin]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.

Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

[Raistlin]

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises.

The big ones sold for £1000 and the tiny ones for £10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

****** off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too:

"I was at an auction for vagina's.

The really tight ones sold for £1000 and the loose ones for £10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[Raistlin]

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert

himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go

home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went

home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and

growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me.

I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs

and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.

You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another

thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

[Raistlin]

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

[Raistlin]

You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

[Raistlin]

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

[Raistlin]

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"

She replied, "no sir!"

So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied

The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"

"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"

She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."

The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been screwed?"

"No sir," she replied.

He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[Raistlin]

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could pee into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."

[Raistlin]

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find

out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,

and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be

refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the

time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had

waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better

model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to

as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is

incomprehensible to anyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory

for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find

yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Raistlin]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ?

She choked...