Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe

took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly.

"Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out

your penie-pipe.

Two: Pull back the foreskin.

Three: Pee.

Four: Push back your foreskin.

Five: Put your equipment back."

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his

still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went

ta ***** an' won't come out of the outhouse!"

"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.

I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"

[Raistlin]

Two bikers were talking at a bar.

"How's married life?" asks the first.

"It's fine," says the second.

"How's the sex?" asks the first.

"Fine," says the second, "And I don't have to wait in line!"

[Raistlin]

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore.

Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie.

A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

[Raistlin]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Two, but I have no idea how they get in there.

[Raistlin]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's: Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

[Raistlin]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ?

A stick.

[Raistlin]

What's brown and sticky ?

A stick.

[Raistlin]

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside ?

A cockroach.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off ?

Spit, swallow and gargle.

[Raistlin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Raistlin]

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

"Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."

"For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"

[Raistlin]

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.

He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,

"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

[Raistlin]

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.

Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a bull and a cow ?

A bull smiles when you milk it.

[Raistlin]

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born ?

To knock the willies off the smart ones.

[Raistlin]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.

[Raistlin]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Raistlin]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

[Raistlin]

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm ?

I don't know dear, ask your father.

[Raistlin]

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian.

The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

[Raistlin]

I never used to get on with my mother-in-law.

But over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut...

[Raistlin]

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.

A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play Rugbyl, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.

The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.

He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?

Megasorass.

[Raistlin]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Raistlin]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"