Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy ?

Two Mennonite

[Raistlin]

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females.

The pill will be called Niagra.

[Raistlin]

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

"What colour ?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty pounds."

"Very good," he thought.

All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?

Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

[Raistlin]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.

It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

[Raistlin]

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.

Well, you know how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right.

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

[Raistlin]

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on a lawyer and we're looking for a suitable stone."

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to open a beer ?

None.

It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..."

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers"

"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

[Raistlin]

Mother:

What seems to be the problem with you?

You have been married three years and still no children.

I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter:

I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

[Raistlin]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe ?

A canoe tips.....

[Raistlin]

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "

OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen."

The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

[Raistlin]

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

Boats curves never sag.

Boats last longer.

Boats don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

Boats don't have parents.

Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Boat with your friends.

If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

Boats always feel like going for a ride.

Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

Boats don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

[Raistlin]

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed

with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a third time.

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

[Raistlin]

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits,and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The

man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't

believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and

wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe

that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes

yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,

"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your *****

from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are

you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a

very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The

woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The

man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[Raistlin]

A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large

glass bowl filled with ten pound notes. Intrigued, he asks the

bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an

ongoing challenge at this particular bar.

"For ten pounds you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them

all successfully, you'll get yer ten pounds back, along with the rest

of the money."

The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.

"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.

A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole

one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy

mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of

he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."

Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates

his chest and prods the bartender on.

"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady

who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you

gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."

"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.

"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."

Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a ten pound note into

the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars

stare on, having seen many men fail.

After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his

way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good

half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the

wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.

As the clamour outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to

the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back

door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.

The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and

says,

"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her tooth pulled?"

[Raistlin]

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their

dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband

had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour and it seemed

to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall

between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,

only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's

door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it

is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't

helping none either."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a homeless man and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

[Raistlin]

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.

Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.

The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old.

Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

[Raistlin]

What a rip-off.

I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions."

Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

[Raistlin]

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

[Raistlin]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!