Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala.

The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

"Lucky ba*tard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!!

Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

[Raistlin]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes

in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to

the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in

the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the

sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the

movie, the man approaches the dogs owner.

"***** mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between women and men ?

One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah ?"

About three inches.

[Raistlin]

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

[Raistlin]

What did the red neck get on his I.Q. test ?

Drool.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party ?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

[Raistlin]

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.

Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.

He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

[Raistlin]

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

[Red Yaris 54]

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?............. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out 11

1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was connceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if a FAX was sent by a blonde?

It has a stamp on it.

[Raistlin]

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after

having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most

exclusive restaurants.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an

absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the

furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that

particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may

come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!

There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy,

"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[Raistlin]

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

[Raistlin]

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

[Raistlin]

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain five pounds.

[Raistlin]

What do a moped and a blonde have in common ?

They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

[Raistlin]

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

Eight beers.

[Raistlin]

A Scottish trainee policeman was asked how he'd break up a crowd.

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle ?

If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a Hell's Angel ?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to f*ck off

[Raistlin]

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Raistlin]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are

traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in

Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out

of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car

and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we

do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the

abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the

mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing

at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water

before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The

vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on

and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then

opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

[Raistlin]

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night

together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all

night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the

bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When

she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing

his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped

and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small

part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's

what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Raistlin]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing

problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and

they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than

twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for

seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I

don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting

just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for

yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed

your

sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."