Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching like hell to get out of that box.

[Raistlin]

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.

After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

[Raistlin]

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife.

To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

[Raistlin]

Nice Guy Test from Nice Guys Don't Get Laid

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?

A. I wear my church clothes

B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers

C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman

D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of beer

E. I take a knife

2."Women are special." Is this statement true?

A. Yes, but they scare me

B. Most always

C. Sometimes

D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them, and I will have my way with them

E. Only when tied and gagged

3. Generally, when a girl cancels out of a date...

A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don't get the date in the first place

B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all

C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time

D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I'll accept is death-Hers

E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery

4. When I meet a girl, I...

A. talk about mother

B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does

C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it

D. I see a conquest in the making

E. usually scare them off

5. I think women are...

A. like dear old mother

B. should be put on a pedestal

C. fantastic sometimes

D. good for only one thing

E. the scourge of the earth

6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,

blows your weekend.

A. you cry

B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you

C. you are disappointed but might try again

D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles

E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment

7. On Valentine's Day...

A. I get a card from Mum

B. I send cards, but receive few

C. I get some cards and send a few

D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards unless it scores points I can collect on later

E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it

8. I get dates...

A. through Mother

B. through a great deal of effort, including grovelling and expensive offerings

C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold

D. without effort. Many times they ask me

E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn't enough

9. When I am at a bar...

A. I don't go to bars

B. I rarely get anywhere with women

C. I occasionally get a phone number

D. I score frequently

E. I drink till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in

10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...

A. I am boring

B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else

C. we fight too much

D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around

E. I threatened her life

11. When I settle down...

A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me

B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of kids

C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe

D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried

E. I can't settle down. The world is after me

12. Marriage...

A. is for grown ups

B. is a pleasant way to spend a life

C. might be nice

D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I fool around

E. is impossible

13. If I ever got married I would...

A. have to have Mother's approval

B. be forever faithful

C. be faithful, maybe

D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity to score, which ever comes first

E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men

14. I get laid...

A. What does "getting laid" mean?

B. at least once every two years, sometimes

C. a few times a year

D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average

E. never. But I get screwed a lot

15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...

A. mostly things I get for my mum

B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.

C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers

D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickets to professional wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see the places I take her.

E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,

1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".

Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA'S BOY

Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl

just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,

and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.

If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They

are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.

They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who

can not possibly fool around on you. It is preferable that he has money or

stands to gain from an inheritance. The negative side is that you will have

to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen

to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.

famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY

You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what

she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get

laid.

If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it

made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss

that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when

you inevitably dump him.

famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing

in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE

Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren't. It depends on

the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably

want what you probably can't get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for

you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts

like Mr. Abuse

famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springsteen, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE

Mr. Abuse is the most successful with women. He is the one who gives the

least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be

controlled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,

the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life

worth living.

famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,

James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo

Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO

You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum,

open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as

Mama's boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help

immediately.

[Raistlin]

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to

discover a

female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man

gained the

mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The

mouse repeated

his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very

excited by this,

was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up

his wife but

before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her

head with the

blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell

you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with

you!"

[Raistlin]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil

all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move

until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,

it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one

for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No

more was said about the "statue."

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the

kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he

said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's

for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[Raistlin]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow dung and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

[Raistlin]

Oscar was an unlucky sap.

Having just spent thousands on a skydiving class, he dove out of the aeroplane and pulled the ripcord.

The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free.

He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled.

He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below.

To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No sorry ... do you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

[Raistlin]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work

[Raistlin]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[Raistlin]

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot.

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

[Raistlin]

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you £10 and a piece of chocolate."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about £20 and two pieces of chocolate?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you £50 and all the chocolate you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Vauxhall, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

[Raistlin]

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

[Raistlin]

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

[Raistlin]

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter.

The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a c*ck shop."

"Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

[Raistlin]

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

[Raistlin]

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called "lady of the night".

She says, "For £300.00, I'll do anything you want."

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

OK, Paint my house, bitch!

[Raistlin]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.

The wife decided to drive me to the station.

She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

[Raistlin]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'

those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

[Raistlin]

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend.

Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.

At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Which woke Ed.

"What's going on?" said Ed.

"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.

"How come?" said Ed.

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.

"Because that's my tool you're holding," said Ed.

[Raistlin]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a football match.

During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed.

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about Footballl?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[Raistlin]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[Raistlin]

A boat load filled with Viagra sank in the Thames in London.

They could not get Tower Bridge down for a week.

[john1944]

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

I think that is really great