Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

1. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

2. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

in the distance?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

3. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

4. What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

An elephant is grey.

5. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

6. How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

7. What game do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash

8. How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

9. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

10. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

11. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

12. How do you get an elephant out of the water?

Wet.

13. How do you get two elephants out of the water?

One by one.

14. Why do elephants live in herds?

To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

15. How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

16. What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?

Swim for it...

17. What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

18. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room!

19. Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant

or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant

The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari

The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and

culture

or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went

With His Elephants

The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

20. Hickory Dickory Dock,

An elephant ran up the clock,

The clock is being repaired.

21. ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant

who tried to be a telephant;

no no, I mean an elephone

who tried to be a telephone.

(Dear me I am not certain quite

that even now i've got it right)

how e'r it was he got his trunk

entangled in the telephunk

the more he tried to get it free,

the louder buzzed the telephee.

(i fear i'd better quit this song

of elehop and telephong.)

22. Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,

grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

23. Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?

A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

24. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

25. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

A: An inside out elephant.

26. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

27. Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.

28. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

29. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,

and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

30. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,

and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

31. Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: There's no such thing as a yellow elephant, stupid!

32. Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

33. Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: Giraffes eating cherries.

34. Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

35. Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

36. Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till Autumn.

37. Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

38. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapled to the first one.

39. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

40. Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

41. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

42. Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

43. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

44. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

45. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino.

46. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

47. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

48. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

49. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?

A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

50. Q: Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?

A: To fit on lily pads.

51. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow natives.

52. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

53. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

54. Q. Why do elephants have four feet?

A. Because lady elephants have big ******s.

55. Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Because sheep don't have strings.

56. Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

57. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

58. Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?

A: His foot... If he steps on you you're ******!

59. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatoligist.

60. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

61. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: "Can I be on top this time?"

62. Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

63. Q: What is the height of ambition?

A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

64. Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

65. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

66. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?

A: About 40 lbs.

67. Q: How do you equalize the two?

A: Feed the elephant.

[Raistlin]

1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause you're fatter than they are.

7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline

irrational

A: So whats your question?

8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.

Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy

14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

[Raistlin]

Ways to Cope with Stress

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how

many you can do at a time.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as

if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

19. Polish your car with earwax.

20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

[Raistlin]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of

Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on

shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it

into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fu*king

price!'

[Raistlin]

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

-Because 4 inches isn't enough.

[Raistlin]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Raistlin]

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

[Raistlin]

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way.

The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."

[Raistlin]

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

[bothwell_buyer]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied. "We just love the chocolate around them."

with apologies to those who've seen it before.....

[Raistlin]

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya

know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft

and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing

seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in

the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the

church... Haven't seen one back since!"

[Raistlin]

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes

[Raistlin]

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm.

She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Tesco's; now you can follow me over to Sainsbury's."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

[Raistlin]

A sleeping couple is lying in a bed.

The door bell rings waking the couple from a deep sleep.

The wife cries out "Quick! My husband is back"

The man jumps out from a window.

Flying down he starts to think: " But I am the husband"

[Raistlin]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than shehas ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

KEEP SCROLLING....................................

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Raistlin]

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the

detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of

compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs.

They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos.

The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park

laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he

watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and

the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I

have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that

much fun."

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on

the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and

brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

[Raistlin]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the

middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the

delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern

and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the

lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,

lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do

ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[Raistlin]

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!

[Raistlin]

A Jewish congregation honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[Raistlin]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[Raistlin]

Son: "I'm glad you named me John."

Mother: "Why?"

Son: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."

[Raistlin]

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

[Raistlin]

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his *****. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm f**king nuts!"