Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time ?

She managed to squeeze them both in.

[Raistlin]

When god was creating police officers he was into his 6th day of overtime when an angel appeared besides him and said;

“Boss, you appear to be having a bit of trouble with this one.”

God replied, “have you read the job profile for this one? Police officers have to be able to run for five miles through alleys and fields in the dark, climb walls, enter houses that Rentokill wouldn’t touch and do all this without creasing their uniform.”

“They have to be able to sit in an unheated, unmarked police car for at least eight hours without needing a toilet, then stand out in the pouring rain guarding a crime scene that night.”

“Physically, they should be supremely fit, ready to deal with anything at the drop of a hat. This peak of fitness must be maintained on a diet of black coffee, coca-cola and half eaten hamburgers and pizzas. Oh, and they must have six hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said “Six pairs of hands…. isn’t that a bit difficult?”

“It’s not the hands that are causing the problem,” said God, “it’s the three pairs of eyes that they’ve each got to have.”

“Is that on the normal police officer?” asked the angel.

God nodded, “one pair for seeing through bulges in clothing to identify potential threats, a second pair in the side of his head to watch out for the safety of his colleagues and a third set to look reassuringly into the eyes of a badly injured person whilst the mouth convincingly tells the necessary lies.”

“God,” said the angel, touching his sleeve, “ rest and carry on working tomorrow.”

“I can’t,” said God, “I have already managed to produce a model that can wrestle a 16 stone belligerent drunk into the back of a small police car without using excessive force and without upsetting anybody else. It is programmed to feed a family of five in an exceptionally low salary.”

The angel slowly walked all round the partly formed police officer and then turned to God and asked, “Can it think?”

“You bet,” said God, “it can recite the definitions of multiple offences, give the caution with no hesitation, detain, investigate, search and arrest violent offenders in the street in less time that it takes for the CPS to debate the legality of his actions…and it retains its sense of humour.”

“This officer also has phenomenal personal control. Dealing with crime scenes that would sicken an abattoir worker, coaxing a confession from a child abuser, comforting the family of a murder victim are part of the job specification. The sad this is that the police officer then has to read in the paper that he is insensitive to the rights of criminal suspects or convicted offenders.”

The angel was quiet for a minute or two before bending over and running her finger across the cheek of the police officer. She looked at her finger and said to God,

“There’s a leak. I told you that you were trying to put too much into one person.”

“That’s not a leak,” said God, “that’s a tear…”

“What’s the tear for?” asked the angel.

“it’s for bottled up emotions, for a multitude of sad sights and occasions, for injured friends and colleagues, for a misplaced faith in humanity, and for an unswerving dedication to duty and truth.”

“You are a genius,” said the angel.

God looked at the police officer for a minute, turned to the angel and said

“I didn’t put it there.”

[Raistlin]

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the hooker that had her appendix taken out?

Now she does business on the side

[Raistlin]

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

[Raistlin]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Raistlin]

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[Raistlin]

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side.

These are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

[Raistlin]

Company Policy:

Effective from January 2009

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

[Raistlin]

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, 1/2 a bottle of red wine, a small box of chocolates, 3 shots of tequila, a can of cider and some cheese triangles.

You have no idea how good I feel

[Raistlin]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"It needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Raistlin]

Gods thoughts on lawns

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[Raistlin]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts

disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry

five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I

want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Raistlin]

David Beckham goes to the hair dressers to have his hair cut, and has these headphones on.

The hairdresser insists he takes them off, but David protests, "I cant take them off, it is really important" .

The hairdresser complains that it will be impossible to cut his hair with them on, but David insists " this is a really important thing that I keep them on!''

The nice lady hairdresser, with her best tact, tries to explain how it will be an impossible task to cut David's hair with these huge headphones stuck to his head, but Beckham insists, "look, it is a real life or death situation, I cannot take the headphones off!"

Exasperated, the hairdresser takes the headphones off Beckham and puts them on her own head.

("breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out"!) ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posh is trying to reverse her Ferrari out of the drive, and accidentally catches the side of the car on one of the gateposts, and causes a bit of a dint in the side of the car.

Worried that Becks will see the damage and give her a good spanking, she quickly takes it down to the nearest dealer to get it fixed.

The boys in the workshop, always up for a bit of a laugh, tell her to blow down the exhaust pipe, and that will blow the dint out.

David, arrives home, to find Posh with her gob around the exhaust pipe, blowing for Britain.

He asks her what the hell she is doing, and she explains what the guys at the Ferrari garage told her to do.

"I am trying to blow the dint out of the car!"

David replies, "That will never work!"

Why? asks posh?

Becks replies: "You only gone and left the windows down!!!"

[Raistlin]

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit

a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While

standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this

whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was

only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal

injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house

attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears

the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet

and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable

lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,

sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good

tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're

small."

[Raistlin]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in

the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The

bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's

too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the

Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being

cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we

can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We

have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss

the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone

who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[Raistlin]

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked "Can i help you sir?"

Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."

"What is your current name?" asked the clerk.

"Martin Ars*hole," replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?"

"Tim."

[Raistlin]

jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

[Raistlin]

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession

before the bartender asked him, "you trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"

"you could say that," the guy replied.

"it usually doesn't work, you know."

"no sh**," the man moaned. "i can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

[Raistlin]

There was a beer party going on in the woods when all of a sudden there was a

downpour of rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring

rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the

car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still

drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and tapped

lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my

window!!! There's an

old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)"

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little

and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his

wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and

yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing

again, and the passenger says, "Dude! what do

you think of that?"

The driver says, "Man, I don't know? How could that be? I'm going pretty

fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is

the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger

yells."

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window

then yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to

forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is

MORE knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU

WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"

[Raistlin]

if girls require time _and_ money, should that be stated

Girls = Time + Money

instead? This leaves us with, using the well-known fact that time is money

which you mentioned,

Girls = 2*Money

Under the assumption that money is the root of all evil, it can now be found

that

Girls = 2*sqrt(evil)

In words, girls are _twice_ the root of all evil, instead of just evil,as you

proved.

[Raistlin]

How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

[Raistlin]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'