Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Raistlin]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first

time we had sex together over sixty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about

life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly

amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was

something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there

some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?

When you open her legs the lights go on

[Raistlin]

> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a

> coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an

> option. I will win.

> _______________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the

> hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If

> another

> man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix

> these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I

> wouldn't

> know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break

> wind,

> as a form of holy communion.

> ___________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup

> and

> take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never

> get

> as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

> _________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

> the

> store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items

> like

> "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing...

> _________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

> insist

> on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice

> as

> much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

> _________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand

> while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole

> show

> looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a

> calculator instead (applies to engineers only).

> _________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.

> The

> true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to

> make

> up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

> ________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances

> are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are

> feeling

> amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the

> name

> and recommend it to others.

> __________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what

> you

> were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.

> With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ***** look

> too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your

> hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

> ___________________________________________________________________

>

> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share

> equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

> cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like

> wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

> _______________________________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Raistlin]

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

[Raistlin]

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.

Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"

The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

[Raistlin]

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "I am a Zen master from Tibet, make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[Raistlin]

At court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with Battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

[Raistlin]

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.

"She broke down and told me she was bisexual.

Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year

[Raistlin]

Why don't blondes use vibrators ?

Because they are scared they might chip their teeth

[Raistlin]

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?

They miss them all.

[Raistlin]

An old lady owned two monkeys.

One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.

"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.

To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

[Raistlin]

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer ?

Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do.

[Raistlin]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into B&Q with her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The B&Q greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to B&Q. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would shag you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q'

[Raistlin]

Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they

have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the

tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you

had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,

always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't

have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be

evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work

in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who

knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite

government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way

programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came

along would have destroyed civilization.

[Raistlin]

Things to Ponder

1. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

2. Why do you have a hot-water heater when you dont need to heat hot water?

3. Why is an orange an orange and an Apple not a red?

4. Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

5. What do they pack styrofoam in?

6. Why did God give men nipples?

7. If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?

8. Is grass really greener on the other side?

9. Do boxer shorts box?

10. Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

11. If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?

12. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?

13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

14. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

15. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

16. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

17. Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

18. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

20. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

21. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

22. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

23. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?

24. You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"

25. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

27. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

28. Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

30. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

[Raistlin]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Raistlin]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

Women are so unreasonable!

My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....

Wedding cake

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.

[Raistlin]

AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:

- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?

Not if you are the groom.

- When dancing, never remove undergarments;

no matter how hot it is.

- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds

may get you beaten.

- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only

cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

[Raistlin]

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night.

When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the cot at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

[Raistlin]

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's a*shole to make her squeal with delight?

Give him a raise.

[Raistlin]

A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm:

"Use it on every conceivable occasion."

[Raistlin]

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I

seen you somewhere before?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D.

clinic."

[Raistlin]

Why is it estimated that only 99 percent of all people masterbate?

The other 1% were either taking the poll or answering the door!