Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking

what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=

drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.

"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I

can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[Raistlin]

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances.

Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra £20."

[Raistlin]

The new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between mono and herpes?

You get mono from from snatching a kiss....

[Raistlin]

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

"What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhoea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor.

"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

[Raistlin]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS ?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[Raistlin]

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?" ...

[Raistlin]

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?

Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking, and then next thing you know your house is gone!

[Raistlin]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[Raistlin]

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

[Raistlin]

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.

"What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[Raistlin]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what colour are you going wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[Raistlin]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system

as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,

Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable

programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too

slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with

Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental

differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are

running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and

efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they

mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

[Raistlin]

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led

down to the room in which they would meet their maker.

The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and

a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning

to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you

please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,

"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[Raistlin]

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when

all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

"Oh, no, it's my husband!"

The man says, "Where's your back door?"

"We don't have a back door" says the woman.

The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

[Raistlin]

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'f**king shovel'".

[Raistlin]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

[Raistlin]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Raistlin]

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

[Raistlin]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Raistlin]

There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When they got about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no idea way use your imagination).

The three girls jump off and swim to a nearby island. After being there a few days the brunette tries to swim to shore.

She gets about five miles off the island's shore and drowns.

After a few days pass the redhead decides that she will try.

She gets about have way and drowns.

Now realizing all her friends are gone she decides to try too.

Now she swims for hours.

She gets to where she can see the shore but she is so tired she decides to turn around and go back.

[Raistlin]

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'

So she says, "Wear your sweater."

[Raistlin]

What's the definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac ?

A woman that makes love when she's just had her hair done.

[Raistlin]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

[Raistlin]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".