Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!

[Raistlin]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[Raistlin]

Two men are meeting on the street.

"It was very cold this morning."

"How cold was it?"

I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."

[Raistlin]

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire.

They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, in a big red fire engine."

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do

[Raistlin]

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"

The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait"

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead !!!

[Raistlin]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[Raistlin]

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"

"Ask your mother," he replied.

"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."

"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it"

[Raistlin]

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.

The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

[Raistlin]

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats.

The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.

Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"

The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!"

The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

[Raistlin]

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.

"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed.

"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

[Raistlin]

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together.

They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.

"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate.

"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."

[Raistlin]

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising.

One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save me".

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house.

A man in a boat came by and offered to save him.

Again he said "GOD will save me".

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house.

A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me".

It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven.

He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?"

And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?"

[Raistlin]

How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess ?

A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."

A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."

An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

[Raistlin]

This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard-on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest ?

A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between pink and purple ?

Your grip.

[Raistlin]

A man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.

"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked.

"Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

[Raistlin]

A couple came upon a wishing well.

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too.

But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "What do you know it really works!"

[Raistlin]

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

Three...

one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

[Raistlin]

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.

"Oysters," she said.

"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady "Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"