Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.

He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.

But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

[Raistlin]

A man takes his 16 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."

The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"

The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."

[Raistlin]

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to cut down ?"

[Raistlin]

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.

[Raistlin]

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

[Raistlin]

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'

The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our chef used to be a tailor.'

[Raistlin]

There was a Scotsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar.

He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep.

Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober.

In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt.

One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt.

They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow.

They put his kilt back down and go to school.

A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling.

He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

[Raistlin]

Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about a blow job ?

The 15 minutes of silence

[Raistlin]

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat ?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimetre tool ?

Nothing....

They all make your eyes water.

[Raistlin]

What do you do in case of fallout ?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes !

[Raistlin]

What's the definition of a perfect woman ?

1) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.

2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.

3) The economy model goes for hours then at midnight turn into a roast beef sandwich and a six-pack

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb ?

Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ?

You can unscrew a light bulb !

[Raistlin]

What's the least-used sentence in the English language ?

"Isn't that the bag pipe player's Porsche ?"

[Raistlin]

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures, That's what I did !"

"I took measures and then went with the biggest."

[Raistlin]

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.

Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, .... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

[Raistlin]

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of pounds ?"

"Because I'm a prostitute."

[Raistlin]

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favourite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

[Raistlin]

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,

"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and

shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big

kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and

there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So

I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,

she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they

will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying

my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,

yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to

miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile

and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some

coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since

it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make

me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and

since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have

lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of

town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a

nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't

we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good

idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her

apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you

will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she

left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big

birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with

nothing on but my socks.

[Raistlin]

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Raistlin]

The new speed cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

"Can I see your license and registration ?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap !" snapped the officer. "You're going down town and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.

He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Raistlin]

A poor little girl was begging in the street.

A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."

The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"

"I'm eight, sir."

"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"

"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."

"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"

"I don't remember, I was drunk."

[Raistlin]

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ?"